The Answer May Surprise You!
Many people claim to be virgins. But, what does that really mean? What is the definition of sex?
Well, to be sure, sex is something that is on everyone’s mind... if we’ll only admit it! Just read the book of the Bible called Song of Songs to realize that people have been thinking about sex for a long time. You may not be thinking about sexual intercourse all the time, but your thoughts may be dwelling on a certain guy in your chemistry class and how to get his attention.
Let’s face it, there’s something inside each of us girls that longs for guys’ attention. We like the way they look, the way they smell, the way they talk. There’s just something that changes inside of us when they’re around. But are there any standards for sex and if so what are they?
This is something I wish someone would have clearly explained to me long ago. It would have saved me some heartbreak. And this is something we’ll cover later on. For now…
This is by far the most common
question I hear teen girls asking about sex. Many Christian teens have made
pledges to abstinence (thinking abstinence means to avoid sexual intercourse),
but want to experiment with other things leading up to intercourse. So, they
often want a line in the sand drawn for them of how far is too far.
I have to admit that I was one of these girls. I knew I should save sexual intercourse for marriage, but didn't have a strong standard for all the other things leading up to it. So, I compromised with several of my boyfriends allowing things to go further sexually than they should have. Looking back, I now regret those decisions, realizing that one of those encounters even resulted in my boyfriend sexually abusing me. I know God has forgiven me, but I still have had to work through the pain.
This is one of the reasons I feel so strongly
about sharing with teen girls God's standards for sex. I'm not pointing a finger
of judgment at anyone, I have been there and gone through it myself. Sexuality
has been an area in which God has given me freedom and now I want to lead others
to that same freedom I've found. I'm assuming that you are reading this because
you want to please God in this area of your life. So know that I won't condemn
you, but I will challenge you to live a higher, godly standard in your
I want each of you to know that you are not without help in this area.
If sex is already a stronghold in your life, listen to this! "Though we live in this world, we do not wage war as this world does. Our weapons are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 Corinthians 10:3-4.
As I stated when
describing the differences between guys and girls, God gave us sex to enjoy in a
Did you catch that? God gave us sex to enjoy. That's right enjoy!! But, we are to enjoy it within a committed relationship to one person. This is called marriage.
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4
In other words, we are to keep our fire of sexual passion in the fireplace of marriage"!
I like this illustration. Imagine your house has
a fireplace to provide heat in the cold winter months. Well, let's say that your
parents asked you to start a fire when you got home from school. What if you
decided to start the fire in the middle of your bedroom instead of in the
fireplace? Would your parents come home and think everything was normal. Of
course not. And what would be the consequences? You could literally burn your
entire house down and be homeless within hours! Talk about being left out in the
Our fire of sexual passion is also designed for the fireplace, the fireplace of marriage. If our sexual passion is let loose outside the boundaries of a committed marriage, it will leave damage (broken hearts, depression, STD's, pregnancy, etc.)....just like the damage that would occur if you started a fire in the middle of your bedroom instead of in your fireplace at home. What is the moral of this story?
"May your fountain be blessed, and may you
rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer
-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her
love" Proverbs 5:18-19.
Most of us know that God forbids sexual intercourse outside of marriage. I Corinthians 6:18-20 says, "Flee sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
But knowing where everything else fits into God's standards is where the lines become gray.
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people...For this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person - such a man is an idolater - has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God." Ephesians 5:2-3,5
This is serious stuff - nothing to play around with. If you misunderstand what it means to be sexually immoral, you may risk missing out on the inheritance of the kingdom of God.
Not even a hint. I know I have not always live my life according to this standard. How about you?
Let's look at how Webster defines a few sexual terms:
immorality: being unchaste
chaste: innocent of unlawful intercourse
fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other
intercourse: physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person.
Did you really read that last definition? I think it's important, so let's read it again. Intercourse is "physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person."
This is where I never fully
understood the definition of sex. I always assumed that intercourse meant
penetration and penetration only. I was wrong. Even though oral sex and things
like mutual masturbation aren't specifically listed in the bible, they still
involve the genitalia, which according to the dictionary means you are having
intercourse. Does this definition surprise you? It did me.
So what is included in sexual immorality that God detests outside of marriage?
And if we go back to the verse in Ephesians 5:3 that talks about not having even be a "hint of sexual immorality" what can we add to our list?
On this, I'll let you and God decide. Stop right now and ask God what actions He considers a "hint of sexual immorality."
I recently had a girl from a Christian school e-mail me this question: “What if your boyfriend wants to have sex but you don't believe in it and you really love him and can't just leave him. Would it be ok to have sex anyway?”
I want each of you to know that no matter how much you love your boyfriend or how much he pressures you, God asks you to honor Him by waiting until marriage. You will avoid a lot of heartache and consequences when you do things God's way!!
You have the right to say no to any boy who asks you or pressures you to have sex. Don't be afraid to tell him "No." Even if you have to say it more than once. Any guy who truly loves you will respect your decision and not pressure you. If he continues to pressure you, it may be wise to end the relationship.
Hayley DiMarco gives us
some suggestions on drawing the line sexually in her book, "Technical Virgin, How Far is too Far?"
She says, "Below is a list of stuff that you might one day want to do with a guy. They are kind of in a progression, from least sexual to most sexual... Have a look.
a ponder. Where will you draw the line when it comes to guys? ...Now talk to
someone about your commitment... anyone who will keep you accountable....
"Here are some other things and places to avoid if you want to try to keep your line drawn right where it is:
"These are just a few situations that can make
keeping your line where you've drawn it difficult. So they're things to
Again, this is between you and God. You have to decide for yourself. But, I strongly encourage you to write down your commitment right now and then share it with at least one person to help hold you accountable and pray for you.
My commitment regarding sex and physical activity with guys before marriage is:_____________________________
Having a person like that in my life has made the difference between
having a stronghold and living in freedom in this area of sexuality. I believe
the prayers of my accountability partners pulled me through many difficult traps
the enemy set up for me.
If you have already made poor sexual decisions and would like to get right with God - do that now. Start by making a decision to change directions and do things differently. Then, ask forgiveness from God as well as forgive yourself (we often forget that!)
You can also read this article by Jessica L. Wright where she talks about God restoring purity to those with a sexual past.
I'll close with this, "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." Ephesians 6:11
I want you to know that we are praying for each of you that visit this website, that you will be able to take your stand against the devil's schemes. Please send us your prayer requests, so that we will know how to specifically pray for you!
Shelley has a heart for teen girls that began from her own journey of finding her true beauty in Christ. She is currently serving God by helping other Christians learn to let their light shine.
Connect with Shelley online:
What do you think? How far is too far sexually? Do you think it is possible to remain a virgin before marriage and honor God with your sexual choices? What has helped you in your decision to stay pure?
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