Knowing these differences ahead of time can save you some pain
There have been entire books written on the differences between guys and girls. Books like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Doesn't it feel like guys are from a different planet sometimes?
I don't want to just stereotype guys and girls because not everyone falls into this exact category. But, this will give us a general idea of how guys and girls are different, especially as it relates to relationships.
Guys are Visual
When I was in high school, I remember my dad taking me aside and telling me the differences between guys and girls. One of the things he told me was that guys are visual and attracted to what they see. He said that I could walk into a room with 10 layers of clothes on and a guy could still be turned on by what he sees. That's just the way guys work.
**Side Note** Read more about the struggle I had with compromising in my fashion choices on my teen fashion tips page. I'd highly recommend reading my story on fashion choices if you haven't already.
Anyway, back to guys. They are visual and attracted to what they see. How do we know this? Let's think about this for a moment....who tends to be more addicted to pornography? Guys or Girls? Guys, right? Overall, they tend to be more visual.
Not only that, but their main desire in a relationship is for sex. Simply put...
Guys are wired for sex
. They desire it. It's just the way God made them. "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27
God gave us sex to enjoy in a committed marriage for the purpose of having children and keeping the earth populated. "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth" God says in Genesis 1:28.
Did you catch that? God gave us sex to enjoy. That's right enjoy. But, we are to enjoy it within a committed relationship to one person. This is called marriage.
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4
In other words, we are to "keep our fire in the fireplace"! Our fire of sexual passion let loose outside the boundaries of a committed marriage is going to leave damage (broken hearts, depression, STD's, pregnancy, etc.)....just like the damage that would occur if you started a fire in the middle of your bedroom instead of in your fireplace at home.
"May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer -- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love." Proverbs 5:18-19
Girls long to be loved
We tend to be primarily emotional and long to be deeply loved and accepted. We want the intimacy. That said, we sometimes give sex for love. In other words, we want the emotional bond that comes with sex, not just the physical act. And it does bond deeply! However, it is not God’s plan for us.
God created sex to bond us deeply with one man through marriage.
I like the following illustration for the bonding that happens through sex. Try this at home....take out some duct tape. Tape a 4-5 inch strip onto your arm (the side with hair). Make sure it is bonded good with your skin and then pull it off quickly. Ouch! It probably took some hair with it! Now do that a few more times. What happens? Generally the tape doesn't stick as well the more times you bond it to your skin and then pull it off.
Can you see where I'm going with this illustration? Sex bonds us the deepest the first time, therefore, the bond isn't as deep the more often we casually have sex with many partners. Some may think sex is just intercourse and that oral sex is okay. Check out what the true definition of sex is...you might be surprised to find that it includes oral sex.
So, the more times you casually have sex, the less the emotional bond will be and the less fulfilling it will be to you as a girl since the emotional bond is primarily what you long for.
Our culture teaches us to give sex for love.
If you are interested in pleasing God with your relationships, it’s important to know God’s standards on sex. Not your friends standards or the standards you see on TV, movies, music videos or the internet. How do we know God’s standards? By looking at His Word, the Bible.
Ephesians 5:2-3,5 says “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people...For this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person - such a man is an idolater - has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.”
I think those verses are pretty self explanatory. We are not to have even a hint of sexual immorality.
Some girls may say…I don’t have a relationship with God, so it doesn’t matter.
However, because of the differences between guys and girls, girls who give sex for love are making a big mistake. Not only are they choosing to go against God’s standards and choosing to sin by having sex before marriage, but they also may not get what they want - the love they were really looking for.
Why? Well, we may think that because sex bonds us to that guy so deeply, he will also have that deep bond and want to stay with us. It’s just not the same for the guy. Giving a guy sex is giving him what he wants....he wins.
What happens when you play a video game, or any game for that matter, and win all the levels and know all the secret codes? It gets boring, right? It’s no longer as fun to play because it’s no longer a challenge.
In a way, that’s what happens when we give guys sex. He wins the challenge. The thrill of the chase is over and he may start to grow bored and look for another girl to “conquer.” It sounds so shallow, but it tends to be true.
My dad used to say that a girl who lives with her boyfriend is making a mistake, especially if she wants to get married. He said why should her boyfriend ever commit to marrying her if he already has what he wants...sex. He would use this illustration: why buy the cow if you can come and get the milk from it every day for free?
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Back to the duct tape illustration....which time do you think the tape hurt the worst? Taking it off the first, second or third time? You're right, the first. That's why breaking up with the first guy you've sexually bonded with can hurt so much. Not only that, but you've left part of yourself with him....just like the hair getting stuck to the duct tape. You can be forgiven for what you've done, but unfortunately you can never fully get back that part of yourself.
I John 1:9-10 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives."
If you want a new start, be encouraged that God can give you a fresh start! "The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work." I John 3:8b
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Hayley DiMarco has written some great books on the topics of dating and sex. Here are a few to check out...
Pledging abstinence until marriage can be dangerous.
Huh?! You read that right! The reality is that while you may have decided to save sex for marriage, you may still be having physical encounters--but not going all the way. But being a "technical virgin" isn't just risky--did you know you could still contract an STD or get pregnant?--it can wreak havoc on your emotions and your spirit. Even innocent playing around, like back rubs or tickle fights, could be setting the stage for something more. Hayley DiMarco explains why.
Technical Virgin also answers questions you might be afraid to ask.
Have I gone too far?
What is too far?
If I've messed up, will God forgive me?
What should I do from now on?
Knowing when to draw the line will help save you the pain "everything but sex" can bring. This book can help you start over with a clean slate if you've already "messed up" and keep your purity intact if you're just starting to get physical with guys. Because purity doesn't have room for compromise.