Technical Virginity and the Definition of Sex

The Answer May Surprise You!

technical virginity graphic

Many people claim to be virgins. But, what does that really mean? What is the definition of sex?

Well, to be sure, sex is something that is on everyone’s mind... if we’ll only admit it! Just read the book of the Bible called Song of Songs to realize that people have been thinking about sex for a long time. You may not be thinking about sexual intercourse all the time, but your thoughts may be dwelling on a certain guy in your chemistry class and how to get his attention.

Let’s face it, there’s something inside each of us girls that longs for guys’ attention. We like the way they look, the way they smell, the way they talk. There’s just something that changes inside of us when they’re around. But are there any standards for sex and if so what are they?

What are God’s standards for sex?

This is something I wish someone would have clearly explained to me long ago. It would have saved me some heartbreak. And this is something we’ll cover later on. For now…

What is the Line - How Far is Too Far?

draw line

This is by far the most common question I hear teen girls asking about sex. Many Christian teens have made pledges to abstinence (thinking abstinence means to avoid sexual intercourse), but want to experiment with other things leading up to intercourse. So, they often want a line in the sand drawn for them of how far is too far.

I have to admit that I was one of these girls. I knew I should save sexual intercourse for marriage, but didn't have a strong standard for all the other things leading up to it. So, I compromised with several of my boyfriends allowing things to go further sexually than they should have. Looking back, I now regret those decisions, realizing that one of those encounters even resulted in my boyfriend sexually abusing me. I know God has forgiven me, but I still have had to work through the pain.

This is one of the reasons I feel so strongly about sharing with teen girls God's standards for sex. I'm not pointing a finger of judgment at anyone, I have been there and gone through it myself. Sexuality has been an area in which God has given me freedom and now I want to lead others to that same freedom I've found. I'm assuming that you are reading this because you want to please God in this area of your life. So know that I won't condemn you, but I will challenge you to live a higher, godly standard in your sexual life.

I want each of you to know that you are not without help in this area.

If sex is already a stronghold in your life, listen to this! "Though we live in this world, we do not wage war as this world does. Our weapons are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 Corinthians 10:3-4.

God's Standard of Sex - Keep Your Fire in the Fireplace

As I stated when describing the differences between guys and girls, God gave us sex to enjoy in a committed marriage.

Did you catch that? God gave us sex to enjoy. That's right enjoy!! But, we are to enjoy it within a committed relationship to one person. This is called marriage.

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4

In other words, we are to keep our fire of sexual passion in the fireplace of marriage"!

fireplace

I like this illustration. Imagine your house has a fireplace to provide heat in the cold winter months. Well, let's say that your parents asked you to start a fire when you got home from school. What if you decided to start the fire in the middle of your bedroom instead of in the fireplace? Would your parents come home and think everything was normal. Of course not. And what would be the consequences? You could literally burn your entire house down and be homeless within hours! Talk about being left out in the cold!

Our fire of sexual passion is also designed for the fireplace, the fireplace of marriage. If our sexual passion is let loose outside the boundaries of a committed marriage, it will leave damage (broken hearts, depression, STD's, pregnancy, etc.)....just like the damage that would occur if you started a fire in the middle of your bedroom instead of in your fireplace at home. What is the moral of this story?

Keep Your Fire in the Fireplace!

"May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer -- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love" Proverbs 5:18-19.

Most of us know that God forbids sexual intercourse outside of marriage. I Corinthians 6:18-20 says, "Flee sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."

But knowing where everything else fits into God's standards is where the lines become gray.

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people...For this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person - such a man is an idolater - has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God." Ephesians 5:2-3,5

This is serious stuff - nothing to play around with. If you misunderstand what it means to be sexually immoral, you may risk missing out on the inheritance of the kingdom of God.

Not even a hint. I know I have not always live my life according to this standard. How about you?

Webster's Definition of Sex

dictionary


Let's look at how Webster defines a few sexual terms:

sexual immorality: being unchaste
chaste: innocent of unlawful intercourse
fornication: consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other
intercourse: physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person.

Did you really read that last definition? I think it's important, so let's read it again. Intercourse is "physical sexual contact between individuals that involves the genitalia of at least one person."

This is where I never fully understood the definition of sex. I always assumed that intercourse meant penetration and penetration only. I was wrong. Even though oral sex and things like mutual masturbation aren't specifically listed in the bible, they still involve the genitalia, which according to the dictionary means you are having intercourse. Does this definition surprise you? It did me.

So what is included in sexual immorality that God detests outside of marriage?

  • penetration
  • oral sex
  • anal sex
  • mutual masturbation
  • petting parties
  • rainbow circles
  • hooking up

And if we go back to the verse in Ephesians 5:3 that talks about not having even be a "hint of sexual immorality" what can we add to our list?

On this, I'll let you and God decide. Stop right now and ask God what actions He considers a "hint of sexual immorality."

Pressured to Have Sex?

I recently had a girl from a Christian school e-mail me this question: “What if your boyfriend wants to have sex but you don't believe in it and you really love him and can't just leave him. Would it be ok to have sex anyway?”

I want each of you to know that no matter how much you love your boyfriend or how much he pressures you, God asks you to honor Him by waiting until marriage. You will avoid a lot of heartache and consequences when you do things God's way!!

You have the right to say no to any boy who asks you or pressures you to have sex. Don't be afraid to tell him "No." Even if you have to say it more than once. Any guy who truly loves you will respect your decision and not pressure you. If he continues to pressure you, it may be wise to end the relationship.

Decision Time - Where Will You Draw Your Line?

notebook

Hayley DiMarco gives us some suggestions on drawing the line sexually in her book, "Technical Virgin, How Far is too Far?" 

She says, "Below is a list of stuff that you might one day want to do with a guy. They are kind of in a progression, from least sexual to most sexual... Have a look.

  • The Double Take (this is when you oogle your guy and can't stop)
  • Talking with him
  • Flirting with him
  • Touching his arm or leg
  • Holding hands
  • Touching each other's faces
  • Arms around each other
  • Kissing
  • Touching below the neck
  • etc.etc. (I'm not going any farther because I think there's plenty of space above to start drawing your line.)

"So have a ponder. Where will you draw the line when it comes to guys? ...Now talk to someone about your commitment... anyone who will keep you accountable....

"Here are some other things and places to avoid if you want to try to keep your line drawn right where it is:

  • No spending time in your room with him with the door closed.
  • No napping together.
  • No lying down together, period.
  • No hanging out at home alone.
  • No parking to "enjoy the view" or to "just talk"
  • No back rubs.
  • No drinking. (You can lose all memory of lines when you do.)
  • No dating nonbelievers (They won't have respect for your lines.)

"These are just a few situations that can make keeping your line where you've drawn it difficult. So they're things to avoid."

Again, this is between you and God. You have to decide for yourself. But, I strongly encourage you to write down your commitment right now and then share it with at least one person to help hold you accountable and pray for you.

My commitment regarding sex and physical activity with guys before marriage is:_____________________________

Having a person like that in my life has made the difference between having a stronghold and living in freedom in this area of sexuality. I believe the prayers of my accountability partners pulled me through many difficult traps the enemy set up for me.

If you have already made poor sexual decisions and would like to get right with God - do that now. Start by making a decision to change directions and do things differently. Then, ask forgiveness from God as well as forgive yourself (we often forget that!)

You can also read this article by Jessica L. Wright where she talks about God restoring purity to those with a sexual past.

I'll close with this, "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." Ephesians 6:11

I want you to know that I'm praying for each of you that visit this website, that you will be able to take your stand against the devil's schemes. Please send me your prayer requests, so that I will know how to specifically pray for you!


About the Author

Shelley has a heart for teen girls that began from her own journey of finding her true beauty in Christ. She is currently serving God by helping other Christians learn to let their light shine. 

Connect with Shelley online:

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Shelley and Heather have written a book
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How Far is Too Far?

What do you think? How far is too far sexually? Do you think it is possible to remain a virgin before marriage and honor God with your sexual choices? What has helped you in your decision to stay pure?

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What Others Have Said...

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Seriously? 
God detests mutual masturbation? That's ridiculous. Please quote the Bible where it says God despises hand jobs for males or females, or outer-course …

Is oral sex okay inside marriage?  
I come from a strong Christian background. So sex wasn't really ever a subject that was brought up frequently. I had to learn everything about sex from …

I didn't know how bad I had messed up. 
I have been a christian all my life and have been a firm believer in waiting till marriage to have sex. But a couple of years ago I started doing some …

My past came back 
Last night i did something really bad. .and all i could do was call on my god. My Lord,Jesus Christ. i was unsure whether he was listen or could hear me, …

stereotyping!  
No dating nonbelievers? Simply because one does not adhere to the same strict belief system as yourself does not mean that one may not live a moral and …

I have gone far enough and i want to stop and i made the choice to 
i was a firm believer in no sex before marriage until i met a guy that was older than me. i've known him since i was 14. he was still older than me, but …

How to stay pure when you know he is the one. 
My boyfriend and I are both juniors in high school. I go to the local public school and he goes to a private Christian school. We go to the same church …

Shaina 
The very best thing a mother can do is teach her children about God's law of Chastity. And then have her children pray and get a conviction of it spiritually. …

I Need Help and advice and Comfort 
After reading this article about dating and sex, i feel terrible. I've never had actual sex (the kind that leads to pregnancy). i've never done oral or …

Whole, and pure I'll wait for my husband. 
I'm an average American girl, I want to look beautiful, please those around me, and most of all I want to feel loved and accepted. I'm just fourteen years …

why is sex a bad thing if you have it too soon? 
I have not had sex yet, just to get that out of the way...but i dont know why sex is a bad thing if you have it to soon? I know that i am going to wait …

Keeping It Concealed 
As a teenager I personally see the actual act of sexual intercourse as too far in a relationship. I always believed that anything else was ok as long …

A Mom's Struggle 
I have been having a rough time with my 16 yr old daughter. I have discovered messages on her phone that she has sent that are extremely sexual and intended …

Pressured to have sex 
What if your boyfriend wants to have sex but you don't believe in it and u really love him and can't just leave him. Would it be ok to have sex anyway? …

Love with Caution 
6 months ago I fell for a guy 1 year older than me, and we began dating. Not far after that I discovered he had no faith in god. I thought that maybe I …

grateful! :) 
as i have been reading this book it has really just been confirming to me that my choice to stay sexually pure until marriage is the right choice. i also …

Not Quite... 
I have done everything except straight out intercorse. and yet im only 14. my speech, my actions and my life all show that i make extreamly bad choices …

Too far. 
I believe we can all wait until marriage. We just have to have the right mind set. Trust in God and you and your boyfriend or loved one do need to set …

it is possible 
i can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. i believe that God won't ask us to do things that we can not do, that will make Him unjust. …

Your Body is the temple of the Lord 
Any lustful thoughts, physical touches or caressing are all part of sexual desires. Sexual temptation is one sinful act that it is so easy to fall prey …

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Recommended Reading

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By Hayley DiMarco / Baker

Pledging abstinence until marriage can be dangerous.

Huh?! You read that right! The reality is that while you may have decided to save sex for marriage, you may still be having physical encounters--but not going all the way. But being a "technical virgin" isn't just risky--did you know you could still contract an STD or get pregnant?--it can wreak havoc on your emotions and your spirit. Even innocent playing around, like back rubs or tickle fights, could be setting the stage for something more. Hayley DiMarco explains why.

Technical Virgin also answers questions you might be afraid to ask.

  • Have I gone too far?
  • What is too far?
  • If I've messed up, will God forgive me?
  • What should I do from now on?
Knowing when to draw the line will help save you the pain "everything but sex" can bring. This book can help you start over with a clean slate if you've already "messed up" and keep your purity intact if you're just starting to get physical with guys. Because purity doesn't have room for compromise.



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