Why me...?

Hey, im Star. Im 14, and ive been cutting off and on for two years. When im around other girls, always feel so ugly, intimidated, and like im never going to reach that kind of 'pretty'. All my friends say i am, but i honestly have never saw a pretty girl looking back at me in the mirror. Not on the outside or inside. To my friends, im this cute, fun, bubbly girl that has not a problem in the world, but they have no clue. I hate having to pretend to be happy when im not, every single fricken day. I dont think the personality they see is 'fake', because thats who i was before, and thats who i want to be again, but im just not that right now. Also, i feel worthless in my parents eyes. I dont necesarily get abused; I mean, i was thrown against a door when i was eight, because my step dad has anger problems, and ive have my nose twisted around and been slapped across the face a few times,but i dont consider that as serious abuse because there are millions of kids out there that get severely abused every day. But the most abuse is emotionally. I'll be having a conversation with my mom, and all of a sudden she'll get mad at me. So of course living with that, the tension builds up and i cry. Then she'll think of somthing else to say, and come in my room and start screaming in my face. I try to stop crying, but i just end up crying more until she leaves and i fall asleep. Then i usually wake up in the middle of the night to text this guy im absolutley in love with, so i can have someone to turn to, because he always

makes me feel better and takes some of the pain away, and when i got him it makes me feel like i actually have a purpose for living. We arnt dating, but have considered it alot, and he tells me he loves me every day and that im his everything, and he couldnt live wihout me. Well he DID say that.. Now in the past month its like hes forgotten all about me because he has a girlfriend now. So i started cutting again out of anger, saddness, feeling like ill never be good enough for him. , ect. i cut like every day now. I just want to be alone all the time because i have these random times where i just want to break down and cry, and i dont want anyone to see me like that. I can never tell my mom about this, because i was watching a show with her one day and this girl about my age was cutting, and my mom thinks ppl that cut are crazy and suicidal. But there is a big difference between being depressed and cutting, and being suicidal, because i know im to scared to commit suicide, i just suffer. Only a few of my friends know about me cutting, but i dont bring it up much so i think theyve forgotten. They freaked out when i first told them too so i dont want to bring it up again. I dont want to see a counsoler or anything either, because i dont need it. I dont cut deep enough to kill myself, and if i stopped i would probably go crazy by drowning in emotions and tears. I mean, i want to stop, but i want to see hope and stop on my own, but i dont think any is coming my way.