unspoken life

by Katherine
(Tennessee)

I am an 18 year old teen girl who has been cutting since the age of 9. i have cut for 9 years now and i have tried so hard to stop but it seems just when im ready and willing to stop something always happens to make me start doing it again. At the age of 9 my parents were always arguing and fighting over little things. thats what made me begin to cut. That kept going on for 3 years. At the age of 12 i realized that i was a lesbian but i didnt want to tell many people and get shund from the world. People don't take well to gay, lesbian, and bisexuals. I started cutting a lot worse when i figured out that i liked girls. At the age of 15 i tried to commit suicide twice both failed attempts. My parents later found out about me being a lesbian and disapproved of the whole thing. That made matters a whole lot worse and a whole lot harder. My mom completely disagrees on my choice of being a lesbian. She disapproved of all my relationships and all the girls i would talk to. At times she wouldnt even let me go see them or even talk to them. At the age of 17 i tried 2 more attempts of suicide and again both failed. My mom pretty much told me that i wasn't a lesbian everyday and how i was making a mistake by dating girls. At the age of 18 (which is how old i am now) im still cutting and still burning myself to get away from the pain of my mom not accepting me for the daughter she had. She tells me almost everyday how i make bad choices and how i mess up alot of things. And as a teen thats something thats hard to hear especially coming from your parents. I have a girlfriend now and we have been together for almost 6 months. My mom tells me everyday how i messed alot of things up for my life, and how i dont know what love is, and how i dont know what im doing with my life. It's so hard to deal with college, and my mom on my back about me being a lesbian. My cutting has worsened since the age of 9. I have tried to get help but honestly the only person who has ever helped me is my girlfriend. I am trying to stop cutting for her sake and for mine too. But it just takes time.