To Believe or not...

by Megan J.
(Guernsey, Channel Islands)

I grew up in church, my family are mostly all Christians, and my parents were happy and so was my sister and I. Everyone thought we were one big happy family and nothing could come between us.

But one day my mum took me to her room and she told me that her and my dad were splitting up. I froze and I ran down stairs to where my dad was sitting and I jumped on his lap and sobbed my heart out, telling him to not leave me. I was a true Daddy's girl. My dad means the world to me and the fact I won't be seeing him everyday broke my heart. It also changed the way I thought.

I started to feel that it was my fault, and that it was my fault my mum went into depression. And while at school I would have a group of friends but they weren't true friends, I never had a best friend, I couldn't trust anyone. I started to self-harm because I thought everything that went wrong was my fault, and at that moment I looked in the mirror and thought to myself.. 'have I always looked like this?', 'why am I so ugly and fat?' ... I started to self harm because I thought I was not good enough for anyone. I wasn't beautiful enough. This happened 5-6 years ago and I'm 17 years old right now and I still feel like that... I don't know how to get out of this hole. I feel like no one gets me. No one understands what I'm going through and what I'm feeling.

But I guess the only person I can count on is God. All I have to do it put my trust and faith in him. But for me it's not simple, I find it so hard to believe his word and other people's compliments. It doesn't sink in my head that I am beautiful. I am good enough. I am worthy of God's love. It doesn't stay. I don't know what to believe. Please help.