The Root of the Broken Heart

by Brittany
(Jacksonville, Fl)

“He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)

“He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted.” (Isaiah 61:1)

So wow. I was looking around online and i found this website www.teen-beauty-tips.com/online-teen-bible-study.html and it was just what i needed lately. Im not gonna go into all the details on what im dealing with …lets just say ever since i was like hmmm 12 i’ve dealt with self esteem issues, different scenarios brought me down and up, to where i am now. I rember always struggling with feeling beautiful when i was 12. I was so young but i desperately seeked to be called beautiful and looked up to. I wanted people to see my heart and just think i was lovely. Not in an arrogance or conceited way. I just needed to be reasurred. Every little girl struggles with that need. Especially when her heart is broken before dating. My parents divorced when i was about 5 years old. It was really hard for me especially because i loved my daddy. I didnt want my parents to be split up, i was scared id lose him. And i did. Im now 17 years old. And i can prolly count on both hands and feet maybe how many times ive seen my dad. Like spent time with him. He really hasnt been here. I rember last year, my mother threw me a big sweet 16 party and i really wanted my dad to come. He called a couple days before saying he would and then he never showed or called on my 16th. I was disapointed and i gave up finally beleiving id have him in my life more so. That was my dream to have my real dad at my 16th and dance with him. Instead i had my stepdad and my papa. Which i love both dearly. Let me back up. My papa has raised me ever since i was born. Hes always been liek a father figure to me. I already told him he is gonna walk me down the aisle. My step dad and I didnt always have a great relationship. It really wasnt until this year that i let him in and we grew close. The first time a “guy left me” was my dad. I was 8 at this point and he came over to see me one last time before he would leave to Kansas for 3 years. I cried and screamed and didnt want to let go of him. I knew id never see him now for sure. That is one hard day for me to look back on. I rember watching him leave and i cried to mom, saying i didnt want him to move. That was the start of us not seeing one another. Hes missed so much on my life that sometimes its like we are strangers. Its hard watching friends interact and be with their real dad. That bond that i dont have. Yes, i have a stepdad but he has a daughter he has that bond. I cry to this day over the hurt of the divorce and me and my dad totally strangers almost. I hate it, but we are trying lately to fix it. That was the beginning of my biggg heart breaking. Then there was this guy well call him Max lol. (Not his name) I dated him on again off again for almost 2 years. I really felt like i was in love with him. We were so called “childhood sweethearts”, i met him at a church i started going to when i was 14 years old. We had a fun relationship so centered on God and we fell for one another. Then time passed things got serious, things took place that neither of us are proud of, and we slipped away from God. Alot of drama and disputes took place and i broke up with him, then month later he was dating my so called bestfriend at the time. Which hurt too. Alot of pain and heartache came out of that relationship. And i totally lost it, i went into depression and low self esteem. I started taking medicine to get me out of it and i started seeing a Christian Counselor. A year went by and i thought that my heart had healed. I left the church around the time of the breakup and never got back in a church until this time last year. And then i met (Andrew..not his name either . editing!) He was sweet and a God fearing Christian. He served in the church i was visiting, and had such a personal day to day relationship with the Lord. It amazed me and intrigued me. So we became friends, and he reached out to me when all the world let go. He said he beleived in what i could be and fell for my heart. I had gone a year without dating jsut focusing on God and when i met Andrew, he just showed me a deeper relationship with God. I started doing quiet times everyday and started blogging. He got me into this, so its a thank you to Him. We became bestfriends for a year and then we started dating. We dated for a short period but i had grown to know him so much that i fell in love with him. I had told Max that i loved him and he did i. But it was more infactuation on that part i just wanted to call it “love”. Im the type of girl that wants the “happily ever after” so i take what i can get. I just beleived that Andrew was the one. He had help me to the Lord and got me back to myself and over Max. I just shone. Everywhere i went people said “I lit up the room.” I was shining for Jesus and shining that i was in love. We never fought not once until after the breakup. Which got really ugly. Both parties said things they didnt mean and now wounds are placed on both sides. It broke me down alot. I stopped going to church again because i had fallen away from God again. Me and Andrew never did anything, but i think we might of let go of perspective. Putting one another before God. Being too serious too soon. And that messed us up. We ran ahead of God. And sadly we lost the friendship. I do regret alot of things i said afterwards. Im still hurting from it. Ill always wonder what could have been, but ive realized alot in this past month. I havent let God heal me. I wanted so badly for a prince to ride in and save me that i let all old scars and emotions come out and leaned heavily on Andrew for the emotional support. But he let me down. I think i scared him away, because he isnt bound to me. He wasnt a spouse, someone who is supposed to be leaned on. I should have leaned on God but no i wanted my “prince”. But Andrew isn’t my prince. And ive realized im making the mistake so many girls do. Wanting a guy to fill the void that only the Lord can fill when it comes to losing a dad. The guy who is supposed to hold you, keep you safe, your “daddys little girl.” And i never was that, i never got spun around by a dad or got to give him “butterfly kisses.” I didnt get the normal girl childhood. It sucks but there was a purpose. God had and still has a reason. I know that my broken heart from all these placeholders can only be filled and healed by the Lord. He wants to heal it, to wrap it up and get it beating again. If your like me and your out there thinking why are you here, theres nothing special about you. Hold on! God’s going to use you! He used the broken, as his examples. Keep hold on God, let him heal it. Let him fill that void. I keep imagining one day when im in heaven running up to the Lord and sitting in His lap and He is just beaming at me, welcoming me into His arms. And i can’t wait, because to Him “Im daddy’s little girl.” I know he made me for a purpose and that he loves me. Even when guys say that and take it back,….He means it! No lies! Im on the path of healing and getting back to my father. He’s missed me as i have missed Him. Dont let go girls or guys. Hes got you. And He has a plan. Even the tiniest voice is heard. Run to His arms, tell him your story, and let him heal you why you cry it out. “It’s okay to not be okay, its just not okay to stay that way.”

Go listen to “Porcelain Heart- Barlow Girl” and “Beauty after Pain- Superchick” they are two songs helping me in the healing process.