Tears and Triumphs

by JL
(niceville florida)

For three years I've been suicidal. since I was 14, all I remember is wanting to die and hurting so bad I could barely stand it. When I was 15 I started to cut myself, I did it first as an idea not really expecting it to do anything. I had just lost my best friend, the only person I ever could talk to. My parents always fought, and I didn't make friends easily. The first few times I did it, it didn't do much but any time things went wrong I cut myself again. When I was 16 I think I started to become addicted to it. I just started my high school and the kids treated me like I was worthless. I started to think it too, I hated looking in the mirror and all I could think about was suicide.

Right before my 15th birthday I started writing to this Christian rock band called Seventh Day Slumber on their myspace. I heard one of their songs Missing Pages and it hit home. I didn't expect a reply but that day they sent an email back to me and I got a chance that night to talk to their lead singer Joseph on the phone. He encouraged me that night to hold on and I did.
I always believed in God but I never thought he would care about a worthless cutter like me.
I honestly listened to what people told me about God but I just wasn't sure. I knew God was real and He was who He said He was but I just didn't believe He could love a girl like me.

Seventh Day Slumber kept in contact with me from that point. Whenever I needed someone they helped me as best as they could.... but always pointed me to God telling me He was the only way.
When I was 16 last October I got a chance to meet them in person. I needed a miracle this was my one last hope. I wrote a suicide letter and if nothing changed in that night I was going to go through with it. I made up my mind not to say anything to them but the whole time before they went on stage I kept whispering please help me God, please let them talk to me.

Long story short... I got the miracle I needed. I gave my life to God that night... and after the concert I think someone told them who I was, Joseph came over and gave me a hug and told me he was so proud of me. Then the rest of the band did the same. I hung out with them for about 40 mins, we just talked. I think it got to be noticeable in part of the conversation that I was pretty down. Joseph just looked at me and told me "No matter what anyone tells you, you're not worthless. God loves you and we think you're awesome girl." There was a minute of silence from everyone and I remember thinking thank you God for this.

For about the first 6 months things were incredibly hard, but somehow easier. I did everything I possibly could to know God better and I prayed like crazy, sometimes it was the only thing to get me through the day. Since about 2 months ago things have been so much easier... and I know what the difference has been: God.