Struggling with idolizing outer beauty

by Harriet
(England)

i know i have a problem with idolizing outer beauty, the hurtful thing is a feel ashamed of feeling this way and it is hard to always keep reminding yourself that its the inside that counts when day to day life constantly reminds me of how ugly i feel. I am a god fearing christian and i turn to God for a lot of things and i know that despite how low i feel i should never stop praising God. The question i have is this, next month i am starting a course in Textile design at the university of the arts London, it is the most pretentious universities and one that is probably centred on material things, the things that cause us to believe that the make up, clothes and even photoshop can make us feel happier and more beautiful. I want to be a real witness of a inner beauty, i am not sure whether my course will lead me to interior design or fashion design and all i know so far is God wants me to work with this to help those in third world countries...like fair trade or TOMS. I believe that recently he has been wanting me to learn all about inner beauty so that he can use me to be different and not to design things specially to make someone feel beautiful, or to just design things for size 0 models. But somehow promote inner beauty is fashion design perhaps. I would really value advice and pray as i work this out and as i struggle with the whole 'i feel ugly' issue myself first. I know i must come through the struggle myself before i can help others right?