Still struggling

by Ariel M Tanner
(kenosha, wi, USA)

I understand that not many really would care about the pity that led to this eating disorder, but how it started: I was a baby and my grandpa squeezed my wrist so hard intentionally. A few months later as a baby, I'd been tied to a chair in a childcare facility.

At 5, a kid always tried to bite me in Kindergarten. At 6, I was beat up EVERY day in first grade by a group of bullies. At 7 years old, I was at a sleepover; woke up in the middle of the night wanting so badly to go home because I was homesick; the mom didn't want to let me go home or take me home so she beat my sister with a belt, I witnessed it, and it happened to me; my abusive grandfather beat me in my living room; at age 8, I was left outside by the baby sitter in the freezing cold. At age 9, I was betrayed by a friend. Age 11, bullied by preps in middle school. Age 13, abused by my boyfriend (called names every day, criticized about weight, bossed around, humiliated, poked, punched in the back), age 16 kidnapped by a gang banger and sexually assaulted, at age 8 my father beat me and ever since has been emotionally abusive up until now, at age 19 I find out that a few friends totally forgot about me, went to a conference for a week and witnessed a lightning strike that struck two people and there was a shooting that police say was a suicide-NO I know it was a homicide. Since the age of 14, it's when my eating disorder started.

I started by eating 800 calories a day, always counting my calories, weighed 96 lbs at 5'2" or 5'3", was always cold and shivering, vision got worse, but now is improving. I am still dieting today, but still always counting my calories, fat contents and nutrition facts obsessively. Working hard to recover from the eating disorder.

At least today I've been increasing my calorie intake to 1200 a day. Anorexia is far from being happy. You're always taking note and thinking about is this safe to eat, oh gosh my friend wants to take me to the mall and maybe have some pretzels, what are the calories for this, should I eat this.

Comments for Still struggling

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Still struggle?
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how you feel. You're just telling the same story as my story. Its hard to be the victim and those days is the reason why i hate to go to school. But then I realize that these people is the one who are having a problem.
I wanna encourage you to realize that you are precious and what you need is a healthy lifestyle, but doesn't mean that you have to be extremely thin. You can do sports and eating healthy, but don't feel guilty the next time you enjoy the pretzel. I know in this time you might think that beauty is better than brain(sometimes I did), and you wanna make thsoe people realize it , but trust me that those people don't deserve your time

Thank you for sharing your story
by: Simi

Ariel, thank you for sharing your life story, it must have been difficult for you recollecting those memories and even worse living through them. I am not sure why you think it is a pitiful one not to deserve empathy, no one should have to go through such trauma in life especially as a child.

Dealing with an eating disorder is a silent killer that most people cannot seem to fully understand only the sufferer knows the extent of the battle day after day. People expect you to just be able to let go and "just eat" as they are able to. Anyone who has or is battling with an eating disorder will tell you it leads back to their childhood or family upbringing. Do not blame yourself for what has happened or keep wondering why you are the way you are, the first step to recovery is admitting there is a problem and seek help.

I will be an hypocrite if I say I am on the road to recovery, im not even near the pavement. But what i do know is that I am determined to get my life back and take hold of what I should be in control of and not vice versa. God is my healer and the source of my strength.

I am so happy to hear that you are increasing your calories as often, take it each day as it comes and enjoy each one because you are not promised tomorrow, imagine what people might say if you no longer lived "What a shame! she was such a lovely girl but her life was controlled by anorexia or bulimia...I know I certainly do not want to be remembered as such but as one who enjoyed her everyday life.

We cannot all look alike of be of the same weight, height, hair color etc because we are uniquely created, keep this in mind! God loves you, draw close to him he will deliver you. You are in my prayers!

response to Still Struggling story
by: Anonymous

When I said that I understand many might not care about the pity of my eating disorder, it just means that when it comes to some people out there and my parents, they'd show that they don't care. But to those that responded and commented to my story, I appreciate the support- I really do appreciate it.

still struggling
by: Anonymous

After reading your story ,I wanted to say to you that you are a special person and so well loved. To over come all the unkindness and hurt , that makes you special. You are strong and loveable and have a good heart. You are beautifull and have a strength of charater that all those hurtful people dont have.You are well loved just as you are, now .I hope that the eyes of your heart open so you can see for yourself the beauty and goodness within.
I feel pity for the people that hurt you ,because they missed out ,they used their unlovable state to hurt you.It was their choice they could of loved instead of hurting .You have the victory, well done ,I feel sure you will go from strength to strength.

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