So many lies... Won't I ever learn?

by Sarah D
(Canada)

I'm not sure when it started. I think I was 12 when I started cutting my wrists. I think for me, I believed all of Satan's lies - "I'm not good enough, I can always do better than what I did, I'm not pretty enough, my biological father doesn't love me and if I'd try harder he'd want to be around me more" - the list of lies goes on and on... I didn't realize at the time that all of those things that I thought about myself were lies straight from Satan.

When I was 14, I went to a christian bible camp. I grew up in a family quite pro-evolution. I went to camp because I needed to get away from home. I had 3 younger siblings, two of which were the ages 2 and 1, and I had them a lot of the time. I just needed a break, so I went to this camp. Half way through the week at camp, I asked one of the cabin leaders in my cabin if self-injury was a sin. She gave me her answer (which was yes) and told me, and the rest of the girls that were around us that if anyone of us were dealing with self-injury that we could talk to her, or anyone at the camp. I left it at that, I didn't bring it up anymore, until a few days later. I talked to that cabin leader again, this time, telling her everything. The first thing she said to me after I finished telling her was "Are you a christian?". My answer being no, she said "Well, it sure does help.."

As my week at camp came to an end, I was told by the cabin leader, and everyone else that worked at the camp to keep in touch with them. ( By the way all the staff did find out about me cutting since the cabin leader had to tell the camp director, who then told the staff so they could pray for me.) I didn't realize until after I got home that during my time at camp, I found God. I started reading His word, I started praying, I started going to church.

My life didn't change immediatly, I struggled for months after becoming a christian to get over the addiction of self-harm. I struggled with suicidal thoughts, and at times I was very close to etempting suicide. A few of the people from camp wouldn't give up on me. A few of them have stayed up all night, without sleep, talking to me over facebook chat because I was having a bad day and I was seriously considering suicide (it's happenned a few times). For months after becoming a christian, I struggled with self-injury and suicidal thoughts, about 6 months afterwards to be exact.

On february 3rd 2011, I got a message from one of the staff from the camp, I had messaged her a bit before asking her for help because I had stopped cutting for about 3 weeks and I had started cutting again. She told me that I had to take it one day at a time, and just tell myself I could get through the day without cutting, and then I had to do whatever I could to not cut. That day, I realized what I had to do.

I took it day by day. I tried to make time for myself to read God's word everyday, and I would make sure I would pray everyday.

Things are still pretty hard, I still struggle with believing Satan's lies every once in a while. But February 3rd 2011, was the last day I cut. I haven't cut since then. I've been tempted many times to cut, there was a time that I had to call the camp director at his house and he ended up just talking to me for almost an hour convincing me to not cut and to go up to my room and read God's word, this was just the other day. The camp director challenged me, it wasn't much of a challenge, but it was enough to get my mind off of cutting. He told me to read the book of James, then after I was done reading each chapter, I had to write down 2-5 points of what I learned then after I was done reading the whole book, I had to send him my notes over facebook. It was enough to get my mind off of cutting, and I read God's word, and learnt a lot actually.

I still get tempted to cut, but I just have to keep remembering that I have to lean on Jesus' strength aswell as mine to get over this. I know with God's help, and the help of others around me, I can conquer this cutting addiction.

It's been over a month and a half since the last time I cut, or self-harmed in any way, and now, I just have the rest of my life to go!