Smokey Lonesome ):

by Katie

I am 16 years old. I will be 17 in August. I was born in 1993. Its like almost one o'clock in the morning but i can't sleep. I always find myself being paranoid.. I'm home alone. I'm not paranoid now, just lonley... I guess thats why I'm typing this. It hurts me to read some of these stories online. Here is mine- I think I began to cut my arm in 8th grade, but it wasnt deep enough to leave scars. I told my friend it was cat scratches when she saw it and got angry at me, she knew i was lying.. I remeber this one guy popping me on my head and telling me not to do that anymore 8th grade summer vacation when he saw my arm. But I don't have scars from those cuts. My first two permanent scars I left on myself were in the middle of 10th grade. I can remember it like yesterday.. I can remember how i felt. I don't ever want to feel that way again.... I felt so NUMB after All these thoughts and emotions came into me one Thursday after school. Which I remember that day, I came to school very high and had to get up in front of a class full people in 1st hour who all knew I did drugs back then, and I did this presentation on WHY DRUGS ARE BAD. I felt pretty guilty after it was over because I knew what I was saying in the presentation was right and I had been doin drugs sinse I got into high school, and yet I continued to do them, anything other than meth, crack, or shooting up... I was doin. I was having problems with my social life.. still do. I moved out of my parents house when I was 15 and moved in with my close friend in a trailer park. My parents lived like 700 miles away. That was when I discoverd that if I had a dope dealer boy friend I could get the product for free just by hangin out with him. (not a good idea) I let it get away from me. At the end of freshman year I just kinda moved in with my boy friend at the time . . . I regret ever meeting him. ugh. anyway - so yea back to the cutting myself thing. After I cut myself that time right there in the middle of 10th grade. I felt like I didn't belong "here" anymore. I dropped out of high school and isolated myself in New Orleans. Where I knew no one... Given time to sit and think about myself I realized how much I deserved to cut myself. I realized I deserved much more.. I realized HOW MUCH I TRULEY HATED MYSELF! I could say i hate my life, but honestly I hate myself....... still do. My past is not something I am proud of. I cut myself and left another scar not that long ago. The physical pain of the razor is not nearly as intense as the pain inside me. It hurts every day.... Even when I smile, I am crying inside. I am scared inside. I am lonley inside. I have never prayed before in my life.. I don't know if I ever will. I don't forgive myself for the things I have done, why should I ask God to?? - Now I am pregnant.. hope its a girl, I want to name her Ember(: I thought about getting an abortion my mom said she would pay for it but the girl I used to live with told me if i did she would never speak to me again.... I thought about it, and murder is how a human rips their soul in half. If i were to get an abortion i would murder my own child.. I know my soul might not be pure but I don't want to rip it in half. The guy that knocked me up sold drugs, he might still sell them i don't know I hope not/ and also he has a bad addiction to meth. I don't even remember getting pregnant because I was so messed up on the xanex he gave me. Right after he got me pregnant he gets this bright idea to rob the little grocery store directly in front of his house..... knowing I am pregnant.... SO HE WENT TO JAIL! then I had people tellin me he was on the front of the news paper and he was charged with more than what he had told me. I went and saw him in jail once. When he got bailed out he called me and him and his mom came and got me and I stayed with him for 3 days. I realized then I can not raise my child around the people he knows... (drugs and crime) since then he has not called or text me once. It has been a few months now.. I texted him one day and I let him know what was up. I said, " I cant have my kid around all that stuff you do. You have to change for me and your baby. You have to get a job, quit doin drugs, and crime in general. If you don't then you can just go on with your life and forget about me. I wont even ask for child suport. . . but truth is, I just want to save you, I don't want you to live this way anymore. You were raised this way , how can I just expect you to change all of a sudden ?? You can be the dad you never had... all you have to do is try... I beleive in you " I don't know if he will change. But I hope so... I quit doin drugs and smoking as soon as I got pregnant. And now that I have a baby to think about I don't need to be doing that stuff when it comes out either. Or have it raised in that type of environment. So now, I am trying to get my G.E.D. and look to go to a community college of some sort. I still want to cut myself at times. I still hurt inside. I still have suicidal thoughts.. but one time, not long ago I had a dream my mom told me my dad killed his self. I felt all the emotion in my dream. I don't want to make any one feel like that. But I want to end my suffering. I did horrible things when I was younger. Things I will never forgive myself for. I know I am probably not the only person who feels this way.. and i realize people get what they deserve. (i mean, some stuff people don't deserve -but what you do to another will come back to haunt you) FEAR ! I don't tell people but I got raped once, it was the first time I ever "had sex" with him -I don't want to say by who because he is in this story. I remember saying no I don't want to more than 5 times but i guess he didnt care... When it was happening all I remember thinkin was Why is "he" doing this to me... I thought he was my best friend/ x boy friend. I made him stop and leave right after that had happened. I didnt speak to him for about 2 months.. I don't remeber what made me want to start talking to him again... maybe it was because I quit school and I had no one else to talk to. I told him I was going to kill myself one time when we were walking down the road and he said , if you kill yourself I am going to kill myself. It made me feel like some body cared. But I don't know if he really cares....

back ground check: My parents got divorced when I was 8 or 9 I don't know. I didnt like my step father, he was an alcholic red neck. He died of drinking too much years after my mom and me and my brothers moved out. After hurricane Katrina my dads trailer got damaged, it had 3 trees through it. So my dad just kinda moved in with my mom even though she was married to that other man but didnt live with him. My mom takes her life out on me. I let it go.. but I still don't like it very much.... sigh* shes my mom I gotta love her. Perhaps having a child of my own will make me appreciate my mother more.

for now I sit and type but where will my future bring me? I don't know. I hope one day everything will be all right. Until then I will always be lonley and hurt inside. Maybe my baby will make me not lonley (: i hope it doesnt hate me..... I just want some one to love me. Deep down I don't think I can ever love myself.

P.S. I know others do not understand why I cut myself. Or why you might cut your self. But ... I don't think it makes anything better. Find simple things to be happy about, think about what you take for granted. Don't take everything out on yourself... *Katie Catastrophe*

Comments for Smokey Lonesome ):

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Keep It Up!
by: Sara

I know this is hard for you. I can't imagine going through what you are. But know that God loves you more than you can imagine. When you don't have anyone to talk to, He's begging you to talk with Him. I can understand why you cut yourself, and I know that your life is hard, but you'll see it to the end. If you have hope that God will help you through this, you will do great things. God will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, and when you are tempted He will PROVIDE a way out for you. Good things always come out of bad things, you might just not quite be able to see it yet. God has great plans for you, and I know something miraculous will come out of this. Whenever you feel alone, call upon Him. He'll listen.

God Bless You and Your Baby!

no title?
by: Laura

Hi Katie, you were wondering why God would forgive you after all the things that you have done. Let me tell you something, God loves you. Even through all the pain, everything that happened in the past, God didn?t look at you and say ?You?re pathetic, quit wasting my time.? He did the exact opposite! You see sweetie, God loves you so much that he gave his precious son Jesus, to die for you so that you may be reconciled to him. Okay, so that might not make much sense at first but here me out. You see, we as people, we sinned; some worse than others in man?s opinions. Some of us lied, some of us have stolen, some of us have murdered or hated, etc. But in God?s eyes, all sin is equally offensive. However, he didn?t look at us and say ?Ah! How dare you! I hate you so I?m going to send you to hell!? No, God was grieved. He is grieved that the wrong choices that you made had bad consequences. He is grieved that there is a broken relationship between man and God because of sin. So God had a plan where he can bring people back into a relationship with him. That?s where Jesus comes in. Jesus is God?s son but he is also God at the same time. (I know it?s confusing so don?t worry if you are.) He was put on this earth and lived out life but has never sinned. Then later he was crucified. Why was he crucified? You see in the old Jewish law, a lamb without blemish was used as a sacrifice for sin. Problem was that it was temporary, cause people would always make mistakes after that. Anyways, since Jesus never sinned he would be the perfect sacrifice for humanity that would be permanent. I can?t pay for your sin cause I?ve got plenty of my own just like you can?t pay for my sin for the same reasons. However, Jesus willingly took everyone?s sin (Including yours) so you can go free. The best part is that after he died he rose from the dead, having victory over death. And now he is more than willing to forgive your sin and make you part of his family. All the bad things we have done have separated us from God but he is willing to adopt us and make us his children, and give us a clean slate. Meaning that we don?t have to feel bad about our past anymore. Just call on Jesus to forgive you and make you part of his family. I did that when I was 15, and it?s like the best decision that I?ve ever made. Yeah I?ve had my ups and downs but God was with me the whole time and he still is. If you have and questions, comments, complaints, just let me know and I?ll try to answer them to the best of my ability. Despite all the things going on in your life, you?re still loved. Stay strong girl, I?ll pray for your situation. :)

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