Six years of teenage cutting

by Jennifer
(Hartselle, AL)

My name is Jennifer, I'm 19. I started cutting myself when I was 13. I had been through some traumatic issues in my life at a very young age. I didn't know how to handle them emotionally not being able to tell my parents how I was feeling I had to get it out somehow. So I took it out on myself actually ripping and bleeding just to get the unexplainable feelings out.

Cutting ruled my life for six years.

I grew up in church with a very supportive church family, but like so many they didn't understand it and it was a struggle for a while. I was caught in this mess of needing help and wanting to be left alone.

In seventh grade a group of friends went and told on me. My mom was called in and I was forced to seek counseling that I didn't want or accept. I gave my mother the hardest time until finally I had worn her down so badly she pulled me out of therapy. A few months later I was back to cutting and it was worse then ever. Doing it now just to feel anything I managed to push everyone away from me.

Over the years I managed to get so phony and so distant that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had reached the bottom and prayed that God would open a door and save me from myself. The following week my church started Celebrate Recovery, I have now been 8 months cut free the longest I've ever gone everyday. I only have God to thank for it.

Don't mistake my optimisticness or the length of me being well as saying that I don't think about it when things get hard or when I'm stressed just like an alcoholic still craves just one drink I still want my coping mechanism at any cost.

It's the constant support and knowledge that God loves me that keeps me going. I know also and I hope it never happens but I know that if I fail if I lose sight or get off track God still loves me and all I have to do is get back on my feet and keep trying.