self harm :(

by Mollie
(England)

Its mostly because of my dad. Well, used to be. I'm 13 years old and I started in september last year, my dad always blamed me for everything and it made me feel guilty and worthless so I went to my room and started making deep cuts into my arm. When we moved back to where I was born, I had loads of arguments with people. I told a boy about my cuttings and he went and told the whole school about it! So then everyone knew! Luckily the teachers never found out and neither did my parents. I also got sent out of geography the other day because I was talking to my closest friend about it, and the teacher sent me to his office and shouted at me, and left me there alone. I'm becoming so used to cutting myself now that I've started carrying my scissors with me everywhere I go. I sat in his office making extremely deep cuts into my vein. The feeling I get from cutting is it makes me feel like I have control, and I feel like I can over power myself by hurting myself. I know it wasn't the best way to go, I was only ever going to do it once. But cutting gets so addictive, its like just as addictive as taking drugs. I don't do drugs, and I never will. I don't want to kill myself, all I want to do is make myself feel like I've got control, and I have the power to do what I want and that I'm not a failure in everything, which is how I would feel if I hadn't turned to cutting. Only one friend knows its true, I've told everyone else the boy was lying. My parents still have no clue about it...