Scars On My Soul

by S. Helen
(LaGrange, Georgia, United States)

I'm 17. i started cutting myself when i was 14. at first it was because i failed a grade, all my friends went to high school i didn't. my father said i was a failure and my mother didn't fight to let me go on she never fights for me. the next year i struggled with a weight problem i kept going up pants sizes i felt so big and no one liked me they kept telling me im cute but this your pretty but that your cool but i don't like you. i cut deeper. but God protects me. Then this past year people call me pug or bulldog. not nice names my face is flat and i get picked on. my body disgusts me. i can;t even look in the mirror naked or with a towel cause i hate what i see. i tried losing weight but i get so hungry. i tried starving myself but it made me sad and i cut worse. i cut at least 10 cuts some times 5 a week. i never take off my pull over and the few people who do know are scared I'm going to die. I tell my closest friends because i know if someone sees their be able to protect me. so i can have someone to cry to without telling them what is wrong. I don't for people to notice. i do it cause i hate myself. at least my scars are pretty. MY mother found out and claimed i did it to get noticed. my own mom? I've had two failed suicide attempts. i hate my life. i hate this world. I pray to God to help to tell me what i did wrong. why no guy likes me. why my mother has never told me to follow my dreams?? why everyone's problems are better then mine. why my own father barley fights for me? why my grandparents all died before i was born? why He let that pastor molest me when i was 11? why i'm so fat and flat face? why did he make me like this? i never get a answer, until i do i will cut. i will avoid veins but im so terrified. i just need someone to see my pain. WILL SOMEONE JUST CUT AWAY MY PAIN? MAKE MY LIFE BE ONE WITHOUT THE HURT. I'M SO ALONE HERE, SO ALONE HERE. i don't want my family i was to go someone i love i love to cook and if i could go follow my dreams without my own mom holding me back i would be happy for once. but now, i control nothing. my life is in my moms hands. I'm afraid that's what might get me killed by myself. . .