Perfection

by Sawyer

I don't really know when it started. Middle school? But whenever it did, it continued and got stronger in high school. I don't have one of those stories of abuse of any kind, there's no signifigant death or any tragic event. I have an abnormal home for today's society; I live with both parents, and they've been together for over 25 years. I have one older sister that is more than I deserve. My dad's a preacher and my mom's an elementary teacher at my school. They would all do absolutely anything for me and my parents give me just about everything I ask for. I'm definately not spoiled, but I have more than I need. To others my life may seem great, almost perfect...but it's not. I cut myself. It's not like I'm a reject, I have tons of friends and you could say that I'm popular. I'm a Varsity cheerleader, on my track team, I make all A's, I just got in the top 10 of my graduating class, I was on Homecoming Court, I've gotten most awards you could get...yet I absolutely HATE myself. I feel like I can never do anything right. I'm never good enough. I guess that's where the cutting comes in...whenever I have a bad day, it helps. If a boy picks another girl over me, which believe me happens about every time, it really helps. It makes me feel like I got what I deserved for not being as good as her. And when I don't get the right grade or I didn't do something perfect for my parents....it just happens. And since I'm involved in sports, I typically have to wear shorts and t-shirts or even sleevless shirts for track. So it's hard to find places. I normally cut my uppper thighs or my hips or lower stomach...I try to find places that even a bathing suit can cover, so it's tough. I've cut my arms and wrists before, but I had close calls with people asking me about them..so I quit that. I know it's not good, but it helps. I've been cutting consistantly for about 2 or 3 years, but I can't tell anybody, ever. It's just so embarrassing. What they'll think of me, how my mom will react. She'll make it some huge deal and I can't have that. I want to tell someone soo bad, but I can't do that to my parents. I mean what will people think of my homelife? My parents have done nothing to make me feel this way, it's all me. It's always my fault. I'll just have to try on my own........