Pain

by Tiffany Lacey
(England)

I started to cut myself from the age of 12. I used to get bullied alot and I never even knew what self harm was until I had done it. I can just remember the first time I cut and it was with a sewing pin and it was such a relief all the pain and all the bad and suffering came out of me and i felt better. then when I was 14 I was sexually abused which did not help me. I struggled to move on from it and I ended up cutting and overdosing because I couldn't take all the pain and how the abuse made me feel. I'm now 18 and I recieved Conjunctive Behavioural Therapy which really helped me to think differently and to act differently but now that have finished, i see a physciatrist regulary and I've also been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and take medicine. I had been doing quite well coping well but at the moment I'm cutting again which is scary as i thought I had recovered its a struggle daily and i wish i never started in the first place as its not only hurt me but my family and it just makes my problems worse. I've been cutting on and off for 6 yrs now I had gone 2 months without cutting but now I'm cutting again and i cant even tell my family as I don't want to let them down or stress them out, but hopefully I will get through this. to be honest I don't think self harm ever leaves you no matter how long uve not done it for or how long u try to recover. u still have the thoughts and feelings and reminders of cutting, its just learning how to deal with the thoughts when they come which is the hardest thing. also you get addicted to cutting. you crave the pain, crave to see the blood trickling down ur arms as this is a releif to me anyway as the blood that pours out of me is all the bad. I've actually been quite lucky as I've never had to recieve any hospital treatment for my cuts but I have to be careful I use razors now which is scary especially when i jus first started using a sewing needle but I do have hope and I know that I and other self harmers will get thru it. the key is, Don't let it beat you. Don't give into it