Pain to heal pain

by David C.
(San Diego)

My life has been rough and confusing. I started cutting and burning myself when I was 12. I'm 21 now. It's not an everyday thing or even a weekly activity, but when it happens to me its a fierce dark beauty that only few can understand, if any. There has been so much pain and grief in my life that I feel as if it just sucks all the life and happiness out of me. I look at everyone else and they seem so happy, and then I look at myself and I see emptiness and a hunger for love and self acceptance that will never be satisfied. You know you're not normal when you wake up and wish you never did. A lot of thoughts go through my head telling me I'm worthless and should just end my life. The only problem is that I have too much pride to kill myself, I'm not a quitter. I cut myself and that's where I find my love. It's the only real thing I have left, the only thing that's real to me IS pain. I go weeks, sometimes months without cutting myself and then my world can come crashing down right before my eyes just from a werid look or a simple remark that just penetrates my esteem and rips out my heart and soul. When I'm sad or hurting inside i know i can always count on that razor blade or knife to comfort me. the sharp pain and running blood makes me feel alright. sometimes i can cut myself and just cry and cry and cry, its a very mysterious and beautiful thing. I use physical pain to help me cope with my emotional pain, but it never fully heals me. It leaves me feeling like im possessed or on autopilot for the next few days. I lose track on life. I dont even know why im here on this site, maybe because i wanted to feel normal with everyone else.. all i know is that im scared. Im scared that ill go too far and accidentally kill myself one day. no one wants to be sad and confused all their life. This is the worst feeling ever, feeling of no hope. I've even tried to go to church and accept Jesus into my heart but he never comes to save me. I dont think anyone will. Im tired of crying, im tired of cutting, i just wish i could be normal like everyone else... i want to smile someday. God, why have u abandoned me? im the sheep that went astray,and why havent you sent your shepherd to find me?