On the brink of collapsing

by Gigi
(California)

Usually I come onto this website to give people advice, but now, I'm the one needing it.

I think a lot of people on here know my story, I was bullied for awhile, my brother's gotten into drugs, and my fathers in prision (I've written nearly 3 pages on here about it), but now that I transferred schools, things aren't going so good for me lately. I don't have barely any friends, and I'm ignored and feel socially isolated. I've begun to think something is truly wrong with me. After not fitting in at my old school and becoming the brunt of everyone's tormenting, to being completely ignored and unnoticed at my new school.

Its hard sometimes to remain strong like I usually am, because sometimes, I just have to take a deep breath and collapse.

I lived in Vegas for 9 years until I moved out to California two years ago (I'm thirteen now), and living in Vegas, I had this really thin friend. I always compared myself to her.

In Vegas, despite the heat, I always wore long-sleeve T-shirts because I hated my arms and the way I looked.

From as long as I could remember, I've always been concerned with my looks, my weight, other peoples looks & weight, and over the years, its gotten completely worse.

I used to nearly starve myself for a couple of days, then gorge on food, feel guilty, and starve all over again. I used to cry and scream and go on endless diets because of my weight.

This pattern stopped for a very short time, but for a few months now, it's been going on even worse. I'll eat a bowl of ice cream with three scoops in it, go upstairs, cry my eyes out, look in the mirror & pull on my arms and thighs until red marks appear because I just can't stand the way I look.

At 5"6" I'm 147 pounds, and its a struggle to like what I see in the mirror.

I KNOW i have an eating disorder of some sort because I can't stop eating food, and when I do stop, I feel so guilty I want to scream at the top of my lungs, pull my hair out, and run until I pass out. I think I have whats called a Binge Eating Disorder, but I'm not sure.

My mom is a nutritional therapist & would freak out if I told her. I know it would be the right thing to do, but I think she'd just say, "Start running!"

Suicide thoughts have set in... Again, and I'm afraid that depression has set in as well. I'm lost, confused, and not sure of what to do next. I'm usually the advice-giver, but now, I really need somebody else's advice.