My teenage cutting story

by Catherine Elizabeth
(New York)

I'm Catherine & I'm currently fifteen years young. I started hurting myself when I was thirteen, after an out of control night of sneaking out of my house to go to a party in another town, drinking what I thought was just lemonade with a bit of vodka, but the person who made it for me, "jess" had drugged me, and raped me while I was partially conscious and able to semi realize what was happening but not enough to take over the situation.

After that I supposedly wanted to re-do the event of my loss of virginity, and became promiscuous and irresponsible by doing these self damaging things, cutting, risky sex, drugs, alcohol.

No one really realized what was going on with me, no one knew, everyone thought I was this happy girl that I put up to be. My father is an alcoholic and my mother criticizes me because of my disbelief in religion and my possible bisexuality.

My freshman year, fourteen years old I got pregnant with one of the guys I was seeing at the time, and borrowed $400 from my cousin to get an abortion at 4 months along. No one was aware of this except for myself and the doctors at the clinic, and I had told a few close friends. Also later in the year, I had overdosed on my fathers sleeping pills, only to the point of throwing up, but I confessed the next day in school of what I had done when a teacher found me puking on the floor in the bathroom sink. I had become extremely depressed, and still cutting.

I was in a local mental institution for only less than a week because my parents didn't want to pay for something they didn't think was necessary and the doctor made me promise I wouldn't hurt myself anymore or else they would have to go against my parents wishes and keep my there. I promised, but of course I didn't keep it.

I am currently seeing a therapist& am in group therapy with other girls who self injure, have been since the OD. It helped in the beginning, but in the past few months I have gotten worse with the cutting and promiscuity and substance abuse. My parents continue to turn their heads away from my sickness.

I take these psychologist used surveys online, and in doctors and counselors offices, and answer yes to almost every single symptom and sign to both Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. Yes, I may be fine, I may be like everyone else and I shouldn't diagnose myself, but everyone around me besides my parents and my therapist see that I am depressed and know something is wrong with me.

I've thought about just ending it all, trying harder this time, taking a few more pills, because I know, I KNOW that as long as my parents continue to turn their heads, and Patsy continues to think i'm just this slutty, cutter, and unless someone does something to help me, nothing with get better.

But I guess I still have this little bit of hope I wish I didn't have, just this hope that maybe sometime, someday, it will be better and someone will reach out and help me through this.