My struggle with picking and cutting

by Kacey
(Hanna, Wyoming )

I had a pretty great life growing up... My parents never fought and were happy. I had a sister but we always fought. When I was ten I was diagnosed with MRSA a staph infection. I had a new infection every week. I couldn't do sports, I was kicked out. I then become resistant to every medication available. After having this infection for three years, it started getting worse...I had 8-20 infection spots at a time and they wouldn't heal. I felt unloved, helpless. The next Halloween I had a MRSA spot show up, after about three months it wouldn't go away, I was so frustrated, upset and alone. Nobody understood. Barely any one that had MRSA and the ones that did, only had one or two infections in their whole life. I started picking at the scab, that was okay until I got more frustrated...I would dig in it with anything...this went on for about six months. Then I laid off enough to let it heal. About a month later I was having a hard time...so I started picking again... This time I picked for a year straight...I broke nerves, put an hour aside every night to pick, I would bring a safety pin and wrap with me every day so I could pick in the bathroom at school. My doctor didn't notice I was picking and I didn't want to admit it to myself. My dr sent me to an infectious disease doctor... I was so scared! He ran tests... And the results came back the next week...I didn't have MRSA this time...it was MSSA... Now I caused a new infection from picking. The nurse told me she sees this a lot in pickers...I was busted!! I admitted to my mom I had been picking for two years... Two weeks later...I was back at the doctor...this time I got stitches... I still picked... Even though I now had nerve damage, and could barely

use my arm. I finally decided I needed help. I told my counselor of two years... I see her for my seizures... she said she thought I was picking...great everyone knew...but nobody cared enough to help me...iIt was getting out of hand...I told my sister...of course she told my dad who threatened if I ever do it again, I will be sent to a mental hospital. So I quit picking and only cut on my thighs. I figured everyone would be proud of me for not picking and would never suspect I'm cutting...it worked but it was horrible...I owned up to my mom and told her that I was cutting. I really needed help now...I quit picking and cutting for almost a month... Then I started burning myself but didn't tell anyone... Everyone thought I was doing amazing... I quit hurting myself for another three months and 28 days then started picking on my arm again...nobody asked if I was picking...nobody that knew I self mutilated asked only people that didn't know noticed and they never suspected I was picking. I was so self conscious I had to stop before I was caught...so today I started cutting again...I want help but I feel too weak to stop. I see my counselor every week and it doesn't help much. I think being raped, mentally abused, being diagnosed with over 25 different medical problems in two years and regular school, drama life lead me to this...now nobody understands. I'm scared to tell my mom because I will be sent to a mental hospital. I wish I was as perfect as my sister. Now I am even more depressed cuz I lied to everyone, especially myself. I just want to be able to have control of my life and be "alive". But I don't believe I have control over my cutting. Now I will be too self conscious to dress out for gym...I know someone will find out eventually...