My Cutting Story

by Mmyki
(NV)

I am 14, I do not like my life. There has been so much going on. I notice my parents and friends notice the scars on my arms or other parts of my body, and I'm scared that they will do something, so I take it out on myself more. I hate when I do something and have guilt so I want to bleed, so I start to cut myself to try and release that guilt, but it really doesn't help. I want to do something about it but I'm not sure how to do it. I have had help from close friends, and then something happens and I do it again, yeah it burns and hurts, but I can't stop. I'm scared that one day I will have everything taken away from me because I take things out on my body.

I only ask of one thing and that is to be happy. I haven't been emotionally happy in two years. I started to cut last year. My friend had brought a razor to school, and I was really upset, she handed me the razor, and we went into the bathroom, and cut. I felt a sense of release. I have had moments where I will be sitting in class and start to draw blood by digging my pencil into my skin. I have gotten in fights with my boyfriends, and try to draw blood in front of everyone. I remember getting in a fight, and taking the necklace I was wearing to my arm, and the only person who got me to stop was my friend Zak, he grabbed me, and held me. I sat in the office for the rest of the day... I was alone that whole time.
People ask what did you do, what happened? I have used the same answers over 20 times in the past week, I fell, It was my cat, I was rollerskating, I got in a fight. I can't keep that up anymore. I want to say, hey I cut. I want to be open, but I'm scared that I might end up hurting those who are too close to me. In the past year my longest time of not hurting physically is three days. That's not good. I'm seriously scared of myself, and I'm scared of death, I don't want to die, I just want to hurt for what I have done.
I would take everything back if I could. Why do I hurt like this? How can I stop? How am I suppose to talk about this? I need help. I want help. I'm scared to have help. I only want to be okay...

Comments for My Cutting Story

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Help
by: Sarah

The first thing I wanna say is that you are not alone. God's got your back in this, I promise.
You need help. If youre open about cutting and tell your parents or someone you trust, you'll feel more release than any razor or knife can give you. Yes, they will probably be hurt that you didnt tell them sooner,but they can give you the help you need. You cannot do this on your own, you need help. God can give you that and so can a counseler. You can stop this pain. Just ask for help. Praying for you always.
Love, a sister in Christ
Jesus loves you:)
by: Anonymous

Hey:) I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time...Know though that you are loved. God loves everyone and He doesn't want you to hurt, to have to go through so much pain...I know too, that you're hesistant about telling your family, but as the days go by, the more pain they will likely feel knowing that you are keeping this to yourself. However, your family can help you to start on the path to healing and recovering.
When I was just a few years younger than you, I struggled with severe depression and some other issues. I hated myself, and everything about life. However, the time when I began to contemplate suicide became a major turning point for me. Instead of focusing on my hate and frustrations, I began to rely more on Jesus and prayed constantly. I had help from others, such as friends and family members. In addition, I realized that God loved me no matter what and that he didn't want me to have to hurt. Rather, He has created us all to do wonderful things. In Ephesians 2:10, He explained that he knew us before we were born. He has a purpose for each of us, including you:) When you cast your burdens on God, he also grants forgiveness for what we do because He is a loving God. I encourage you to check out 1 John 1:9. Please know that you don't need to feel guilt...you can overcome the problems you face. It may be scary to ask for help, but the path to recovery is so much better than carrying the pain and burdens that you currently face. I pray that you have the courage to tell others about your situation and act on the path to recovery. Remember, Jesus will help you through any/ all situations:)

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