My Cutting Story
I am 14, I do not like my life. There has been so much going on. I notice my parents and friends notice the scars on my arms or other parts of my body, and I'm scared that they will do something, so I take it out on myself more. I hate when I do something and have guilt so I want to bleed, so I start to cut myself to try and release that guilt, but it really doesn't help. I want to do something about it but I'm not sure how to do it. I have had help from close friends, and then something happens and I do it again, yeah it burns and hurts, but I can't stop. I'm scared that one day I will have everything taken away from me because I take things out on my body.
I only ask of one thing and that is to be happy. I haven't been emotionally happy in two years. I started to cut last year. My friend had brought a razor to school, and I was really upset, she handed me the razor, and we went into the bathroom, and cut. I felt a sense of release. I have had moments where I will be sitting in class and start to draw blood by digging my pencil into my skin. I have gotten in fights with my boyfriends, and try to draw blood in front of everyone. I remember getting in a fight, and taking the necklace I was wearing to my arm, and the only person who got me to stop was my friend Zak, he grabbed me, and held me. I sat in the office for the rest of the day... I was alone that whole time.
People ask what did you do, what happened? I have used the same answers over 20 times in the past week, I fell, It was my cat, I was rollerskating, I got in a fight. I can't keep that up anymore. I want to say, hey I cut. I want to be open, but I'm scared that I might end up hurting those who are too close to me. In the past year my longest time of not hurting physically is three days. That's not good. I'm seriously scared of myself, and I'm scared of death, I don't want to die, I just want to hurt for what I have done.
I would take everything back if I could. Why do I hurt like this? How can I stop? How am I suppose to talk about this? I need help. I want help. I'm scared to have help. I only want to be okay...