Me. . . . Help.

by Sarah
(TN)

I gave the title "Me" becuz this... this IS me. Im Sarah, and Im homeschooled. Just to start off. Through my life I have always kept to myself. Im a freshman in highschool at the present time and Im finding out more than ever. These past few months I have been feeling so confused. I went to one of the preachers at my church and asked for help on a boyfriend problem. About sex before marriage. I, myself, believe you HAVE to wait. But my boyfriend, doesnt have the same belief as me. My preacher took it the wrong way when I told him. He told my brother, who is like best friends w/ my boyfriend, that he thought I was in this relationship for the wrong reason. Im NOT. I only told him because I thought there might be something wrong there. Like on that sort of thing, I would think two people have to completely agree on it. But my boyfriend promised he would wait and respect my decision.

Like I said Ive been feeling really confused, I feel like I dont know myself anymore. I can barely remember anything from my past up until the day I met my boyfriend. I feel like its a cold world. No one has ever really liked me. Im the girl who everyone thinks has a good life. Im the girl who has "fake smiles". People think Im happy and just the quiet person. But really... I feel as though Im dying inside. I feel like Ive been living with a pain inside me all my life and its gotten so big I cant stand it. One week, for a few days I kept thinking "I need to tell someone how I feel." I kept listing off adults I know but something didnt feel right. Finally I chose and was going to talk to her, even though something still didnt feel right. Then, right before I was going to talk to her, I ran into one of my friends. And she just happened to ask me how I was doing. When I said I was ok she asked if there was something I needed to talk about. I knew she was the one. I asked God to help me and He did. I knew in my heart God sent me straight to her. I told her how I havent seen my boyfriend in over 4 months(since the day after we met) and how I feel tempted and horrible. Gosh, she helped me. I couldnt help but cry when I let it out. I think I was crying because, its not easy for me to just open up to someone. I never let out my feelings because people just dont seem to care. She talked with me and we prayed several times. The next night I went to church and this lady, who always finds me sitting by myself, sat down and started talking with me. She, too, started asking if I needed to talk. She told me how its not good to keep stuff to myself. Things Im struggling with. She said its a way the devil will try to take over me. And it made sense to me becuz sometimes I feel as though the devil is trying to get to me. Like there is a battle inside me between God and the devil. Which will have me.
One night I was lying in bed crying. I had a really bad day and was scared. I was scared that one day Im gonna get so upset that Im gonna fall in the ways of the devil. I was literaly scared to death... almost. What I mean is, not only was I scared I was gonna fall in the ways of the devil, I was scared that at that very moment, I was going to kill myself. I was seriously afraid that right then and there I was going to get up, go in the kitchen, and stab myself. That is how afraid I was. And this suicidal thought, I have told NO ONE. Not one soul. NO ONE.
I have no problem with my weight or appearance. But yes, I do wear make-up. I dont care what I look like with make-up, I mean, Im pretty with make-up... but when I take it off? Everytime, I wish I were prettier. I say to myself, "God made me this way and thinks Im beautiful" But why is it so hard for ME to accept that?
People tell me all the time that Im beautiful, that Im soooooo sweet. But, for me, thats hard to believe. Yes, I think I am sweet. I live by 1 Corinthians 10:24. Whenever I see someone hurting or upset, I immediately ask if there is anything I can do. Im not trying to get info, I just dont like to see someone hurting and I want to help. If they dont feel like talking thats fine, I just want to make sure they know Im here if they need me.
I gave my life away awhile back. I asked God to be Lord of my life and to show me what He wants me to do. But as I was asking God to be Lord of my life, I kept wondering if I really meant what I said. I dont want to be a fake, I want to mean what I say. Like when I say sorry to God, I dont know if I mean it. Like, when you can tell if when someones saying sorry to you, you can tell if they mean it or not. Like that. I feel like I dont know anything anymore. A week ago I let out some of my feelings. And ever since I have been noticing some more changes. I feel like God is working through me, and He IS taking role of Lord of my life. Ever since last week Ive bn reading my Bible more, and writing down refrences, and studying. Im finding Im enjoying life more. I used to say there were PARTS of my life that I loved. Now Im saying I love my life ALL TOGETHER.
Sorry this is so long, I mean, ha, I could write so much more. I need to get this out, and more. If you could help me in ANY way, I would be SOOOOO happy. PLEASE.
-Sarah
P.S. Is it ok if I was to write another one of these questions? (if needed)