Love Me for Me, Not for Who you Want Me to Be

by Keri
(Caribou,ME, US)

Dear Readers,

Hi, for quite a long time now, I have been dating a boy who lives 4 hours away from me.We met at a pool, and i guess it was love at first sight. For a week, we spent time getting to know each other over the phone because i knew if my mother found out that i was seeing a "strange boy," she would totally flip out at me. The time came that i had to go back to my hometown, and leave him behind. We exchanged addresses and phone numbers, and all that good stuff. At first, he seemed so nice, loving, and compassionate, i never though we'd end up like this. A few months went by, and slowly, his attitude changed towards me. He started not saying I love you back to me, and he started criticizing me and my image. I already was dealing with abuse from my older sister, father, and verbally from my mother, i didn't need him to do so too. But whether or not i accepted it, he was. I tried to tell myself that its wasn't true and he didn't mean it, and if i were to change...maybe he would too. I started looking at myself in the mirror, and seeing what my older sister, dad, and he was telling me: "you're fat," "if you lose weight, i'll love you," "people will be nicer to you if you looked like them," "you're such a whale," "piggy," etc... It wasn't long after this that i started cutting myself more and vomiting up the little food i ingested. Cutting had been a problem with me ever since 8th grade, and i am in 11th now. Purging, well i started that in 8th grade too but i stopped myself after being told of the seriousness of it. Somehow, all the side effects of vomiting and cutting didn't mean anything to me when i was sitting all alone, feeling depressed, and alone and un-loved..used too. I would go into the bathroom almost every night and turn the shower and music on so nobody could hear me vomiting up all my pain that was now vomited food. When i would cut, i used to cut my wrists, but then my boyfriend i was dating, told me to do it, and its okay and to try it on your upper leg so nobody could see it. So i did. I haven't cut or vomited in a few days, but i am seeing a woman for abuse and love issues. she is great and she is teaching me that i am worth more and than somebody who is only going to love me when i lose weight. i have dropped 48lbs since xmas 2009, and it goes to show that even if you lose all the weight and are skinnier, the guy or the people who are lying to you, still wont love you, they will want more. So stop trying to be who you are not. love who you are and look at your positives, not negatives. you are beautiful the way God made you...and you have a purpose in life....and never ever give up! find something you like to do, and a healthy way to feel good about yourself. i go to pilates and zumba and get massages, that makes me feel good. i also read the Bible and pray. I write in a diary and I draw out my feelings. Do something you like. You deserve to be treated with RESPECT and LOVE and feel good about yourself.