Lost My Balance

by Keysha
(Johor Bahru,Malaysia)

At 13, loneliness, unwanted, picked on target by my own family members lead me into thinking I wasn’t loved and my presence is disturbing… shortly after that a wonderful boy walked into my life, he was the one person who ever cared for me and loved me. With him I always felt happiness, my presence was a blessing to him and it was highly impossible for me to cry around him. A year passed, he always made me smile, around him I was no one but me… ‘’I can never live without you’’ he said... I feel home with him but unfortunately it was only a year that I ever felt that way. He became evasive then he broke up with me for reasons that I still can’t figure out… somehow I still think he loves me… suddenly I forgot how to live, I became suicidal and that feeling I felt before I met him suddenly crept in me and every time I see him tears keeps streaming down my face and not a night I go to bed with a smile on my face. I changed school thinking I couldn’t live this way and I needed to study but I didn’t know what I’m going through needed help.

In my new school I met new friends and people… I never knew what the world is capable of. This guy walked up to me and told me he loved me, I was taken aback by his words and thought someone loves me again… could he be like him (my first love), I took the risk. Unfortunately no one can ever be like him... Losing someone who actually loved me and cared about me got me into thinking I can’t let this one go, he loves me.... but this guy is just like every other pleasure-seeking guys and I didn’t know…. … later he convinced me my virginity is the evidence of love and sincerity. Without my knowledge he made my EVIDENCE of love and sincerity into a movie and ate popcorns while watching it with his friends, and they (his friends) did they same with their friends, then later my parents came to know. . My parents almost disowned me, they hated me for a very long time and my dad and I didn’t speak to each another for almost a year, I’m a scandalous 15 year-old, those incidents lead me to cut my wrists but my parents never noticed …. But that incident is my shadow now; unknown people would walk up and ask me about it (the movie)…
At 16, living life alone, I started talking to myself, yes, I have friends but they are too busy with their love life. People looked at me as a slut and they would avoid me even my own family members, they (boys) would use me despite the fact I’m flat to get some bed action; they only got to me because I am an easy target. I used to believe in destiny, every guy that claimed they loved me I thought maybe he could be the one and maybe he will treat me right but I was wrong…. Not a day passed that I don’t think about my first love and how he made feel home no matter how I looked, every day I wished he was here but I could never face him in reality. I feel everything (the movie) is my fault and I never want to face my first love because I have done something so shameful and I let him down, I have lost my faith in being in relationships because of the fear I’m going to be used again and I’m a sinner, no one should deserve me. I am 17 now and I still cut my wrists every day, some say that this behavior is so childish but each cut that bleed makes me feel a release, cutting my wrists is an immediate reaction to resolve my anger and sorrow. I’ve seeked help but it didn’t work.