It wasn't just YOU

by Amanda
(Louisville, KY)

Agony is what I suffered. Misery is what she now lives with everyday of her life. I still remember how it felt to be punctured, and torn apart before I officially died. 600. That was the amount of money she had to save up to get rid of me. With that amount I could have food, clothes, diapers, a stroller, and a warm bed to sleep in. But this is what happens each time a woman denies to nature that lovemaking is meant for reproduction...unless protected. But even then, nature is meant to do one thing, and one thing its coarse. However, in my case, nature was disrupted.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am missing person number 932,896. But you won't find me in the missing persons' add. Nor will you see my face on the back of any milk carton. My mother? I never got to meet her. Before I was born, she sent me back to be with the others. I can see her now, but only from a distance. I look like her, though. Same blonde hair, blue eyes, and rosy cheeks. I've got Daddy's nose. But I guess none of that matters now. As far as she was concerned, I was just a mistake, yet it was I who suffered to take it back. Funny. One minute, everything was peaceful and I could only hear her heartbeat. But I soon realized that mom's warm and cozy womb was only a deathtrap in disguise! My beautiful sanctuary had become nothing more than a comfortable holding cell where I had been marked for death. She actually paid a stranger to forcefully open her up, invading my home, and surgically remove and then discard of if I were some sort of parasite! Painful? Imagine yourself being ripped apart and then snapped in half! To put it lightly, it was torture! I wish that death on no one. But there are 932,895 before me who have been murdered by that same brutal method. And it happened to me the moment she fell asleep. And as she laid there, I laid there. Dead. Right in front of her sleeping eyes. I prayed and prayed that she did not wake up! I prayed to God that she did not have to wake up to see that her little child that she hardly even felt within her had become nothing more than a bloody jigsaw puzzle! Come to think of it, I don't think they even explained to her what they would do to me or that I actually WOULD feel everything that was being done! They only told her that it would all be over soon.

But why, Mommy? I know you felt alone, and you must have been scared out of your mind. But now, you've not only killed me, but yourself, too! You cry now. Everyday. It's because you feel so empty. But why? You're off the hook. I'm gone. Forever. No longer am I an inconvenience to you. Never will you have to explain to me your reasoning. But yet, you cry. So I have to ask...Why'd you do this to us? It's not like you were going to walk out of that place with a clear conscience. And it's not like you were going to forget that I ever existed. As a matter of fact, your whole life changed the moment you conceived me. So, how could you think ending my life would change it back? I love you, Mommy. But, this isn't fair! I'm not supposed to be here!
You are supposed to be in the delivery room, giving birth to me at this very minute. 6:22p.m. That's the time that would be on my birth certificate. And what about my first birthday, when you would have sang that beautiful song to me? You have such a pretty voice and I was looking so forward to hearing it every night as you lulled me to sleep.
It's Thanksgiving now, and I was supposed to be helping you pass out napkins. Grandma's sitting in my seat! I wanted to sit between you both! This is all wrong! I'm supposed to be alive and well! I'm sad, Mommy. And you're not here to dry my tears and tell me everything's gonna be alright. Instead, my whole existence that had been planned by God, himself, has been completely erased from the time line. All the lives of those mine would have brushed off on, have changed entirely. But, they'll never know that the life they live, isn't quite the life they would be living...if I were only living.

It's been several years now since I died, and to this day, you still wonder, "What if?". So why, Mommy? Why wouldn't you put me first? Whether you raised me or gave me to a good family to adopt...why wouldn't you let me be born? That gift alone, I could have been grateful for...cause at least I'd be living. If only you could have given yourself time to get to know me while you were carrying me. If only you could have given yourself time to get passed the shock, you would have seen that I wasn't such an accident after all. But you couldn't wait. You wanted it over. My future was doomed! And I had no way to save myself. Nobody cared. It was all about what was best for YOU! So when they asked what you had chosen, I was killed with your permission. But whether I was an inch long or 3 feet tall, I was your baby. You had an obligation to protect me! The only person with a voice to protect me...and you used it to protect your future. A future that was still in your hands to make good! And I know you couldn't have seen yourself giving me away, but it wasn't just about your feelings if it meant plotting my death! And now because of your timeless decision to pluck me from all existence, I will never learn how a flower grows. And I will never learn how in the world fish breathe under water, or what it even feels like to take my first steps. Never will there lie a photo of me, nor will I be someone's best friend. And what about you, Mommy? You will never be watching me playing on a swing set that was never built, or building a snowman with me on Christmas Eve, and I will never grow up to experience love. And my children! And my children's children! A whole generation...all buried within the loins of my soul! Don't you see? When I died, all my descendants died with me! When I died, lives changed...and God had to go to plan B. But Mommy, it's okay. You'll never know the difference. And I do forgive you. I only wanted you to know that I wasn't just a blob of tissue or a "product of conception"! I was a person...just a very small person. I only wanted you to know... that it wasn't just YOU.

"A person's a person no matter how small"
Dr. Seuss

Comments for It wasn't just YOU

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An impacted heart
by: S'ambrosia

Wow, Amanda, this is amazing. God truly gave you a gift for writing and through this particular poem you literally gave a voice to the voiceless. So often I find myself becoming numb to the reality of abortion, but meanwhile there are millions of babies before the throne of God crying out "How long, Lord?!" This makes my soul weep for them and for the mothers who will never know the wonder of the gifts God had specially designed for them.

Thank you for sharing this with us and for re-awakening my heart to the horrors of abortion. Lord, please soften all of our hearts towards this issue that is so close to Your heart and use Amanda more and more to advance this message to others!

To: S'ambrosia
by: Amanda (author of poem)

Oh, thank you so much. You are so welcome. I worked on this for a long time, literally years, before I found it perfect. I am 27 now, and believe it or not, I had written the first draft of this at age 18...shortly after my best friend, 16 at the time, had been pressured by both her parents and the father of the child to abort her baby. There was a large gap where I didn't touch it, but God sent me messages to go back to it and perfect it. But I kept telling myself, it needs something.

Then I started doing research on how abortions are done. And I was sick to my stomach, completely horrified! I could not believe the things I was reading. How a "termination of pregnancy" could be so inhumane!
Then I discovered how often these women are being lied to and decieved by abortion clinic workers, and even Planned Parenthood. And just in case you don't know, Planned Parenthood is one of the largest abortion providers in the world. Go on youtube and research Abby Johnson and how baby fights for it's life during abortion. And also research Giana Jessen and watch her speeches. She is, herself, an abortion survivor! You will learn much from these videos. My favorite speech of hers is the one of her in Austrailia. And Abby Johnson? I got a lot of information from her interview on CBN news 700 club, and especially the one on Huckabee. Another survivor you will find inspiring is Claire Culwell. She was a twin who survived an aborion. Her story is amazing too! They are all on youtube. DO check these out...

Anyway, thank you for your comment. I hope, and pray, I can reach the abortion minded women to realize what abortion truly will cost them and their baby...that it truly IS a domino effect! Everything I said in this poem, was both from my heart, and from actual research I've done. I thank God people can finally see and read the words of those who have been attacked and slaughtered in the womb, but also understand that there IS forgiveness. And that is through our Lord, Jesus Christ!

continued from above
by: Amanda

Oh, yes. I did want to let my readers know that I am in the process of writing another pro-life poem so if you want to read it, be looking for it in a matter of weeks. This is, IF it is approved.

It will basically be about a girl who is 15 and may be pregnant, and considers an abortion...until the uneffidable happens. She goes to bed one night and enters a dream where she, herself, experiences HERSELF being attacked in the womb! She gets a first hand experience of what would truly be happening to her baby if she were to go through with it. I am not writing it in a horrible, graphic way, just so you know. It will be more inspiring than graphic. I want to inpire my readers, NOT scare them away.
I am writing it to hopefully inspire young pregnant teens, and even of-age abortion minded women, to understand that abortion is so much more than just a "termination of pregnancy". So, I will continue to get this other piece done so you may hopefully have a chance to read it as well.
Thank you!

by: S'ambrosia

I actually remember your posts on the "Poems about Abortion," and how the Lord used you to help a girl choose life for her baby. I've been meaning to thank you for that:)

On another note, I'm actually the Online Ministry Coordinator for the website, so I approve new posts. I'm looking forward to your new poem, but if it does turn out to be too graphic, I'll email you after I read it to see if we can do anything to ensure it's okay to be posted. No worries:)

by: Amanda (author of poem)



by: Kaylee

I completely and fully respect your beliefs, but the poem didn't make sense to me in some aspects. Who is to say that the mother wouldn't put the child up for adoption? This is another common choice for unplanned pregnancies. She could have easily given birth to the baby but never watched him/her grow up anyway. Again, I am not meaning to attack you or your beliefs in any form and fully respect what you preach, but I felt this had to be addressed.

To: Kaylee
by: Amanda (author of poem)

No Kaylee, I'm not offended at all actually. My best friend was coerced into an abortion 10 years ago and that is the root of how this poem was created..however in this particular poem, it was to address the reality of abortion, what it does to the child and the life he/she NEVER will have BECAUSE life was never chosen. I also have addressed not only that it steals the life and future of the child, but I also acknowledge the truth about what the mother might be feeling beforehand, and the suffering she faces thereafter.
I do mention adoption as an option in this story because it IS so important for women to understand that adoption is a decision that both mom and baby can live with. If it is a closed adoption (although it CAN be an open adoption if the mother chooses it to be) then while she may never see her child grow up, she can always trust that she made a moral decision. There is a famous quote out there that says, "If a baby is not a blessing for you right now, then let him or her be a blessing for someone else."

You see, when women choose adoption, they are considering everyone, and making a decision in the name of love...there is no love involved when an abortion takes place. And the majority of the post abortive women I've talked to have expressed that if only they knew more about their options that were never thoroughly discussed, and had the truth not been hidden from them as far as what happens to their baby during abortion, or what kinds of things could very well happen to them physically, emotionally, and spiritually..then they would have thought more about it before turning to abortion for a "quick solution". That's why I wrote this. I want to inform women of the truth about abortion as a whole, when others are not.
It's one thing to choose adoption knowing your child is alive and growing up with a family..It's another to not have been born at all. The fact is that yes, if (closed) adoption is chosen, then the mother will grow up not knowing her's another for that child to have been KILLED and THAT being the reason their mom will not see him/her grow up.. Adoption means that the child would be living, and the mother would not have to wake up everyday knowing her child is dead..not living with a family at all!

by: Anonymous

dat was so beautiful im fina hav my first child an me an his dad not on right terms but i dont care cause i lov my baby an wouldnt change him or her for the world xoxo

by: Anonymous

I am a person who is strongly against abortion and i believe that a child is a child no matter how far you are in your pregnancy. whether ur 13 or 30 god has a plan for you to have a child. don't take a child's life because you think you couldn't raise a child. There are many options but let them live. they don't have a choice in life yet. let them live and breathe.

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