I'm 16 and I've been cutting for 2 years.

by Kailey
(Vernal, Utah)

My name is Kailey and I'm a cutter.

I can't remember when I started. I've tried several times before actually achieving what I wanted. Now, I am addicted. It probably has to do with the way I am treated as a person. Or it could do with the way my dad is to me.

I am belittled by everything I do, every decision I make, every thought that runs through my mind. Why? If I knew, I wouldn't be having this dilemma.
My family says I should stop and enjoy my life... The problems is, I can't find anything enjoyable about my life, no matter what I'm doing.

I have never been raped or beaten. That is not the cause. Many things trigger it. I can never pin point exactly what does.

My dad has me put on medication, but I don't take them. They don't do anything for me... I also hate the idea of being on medication. I don't like the feeling of being told I have to take something to make me be normal.

What is normal anyway? Does anyone know?

I tried telling my mom what it's like for me. She doesn't understand when I tell her it's an addiction. Just like a smoker is addicted to cigarettes or an alcoholic addicted to alcohol. I do it because I like it... I do it a lot.

I also have trouble with my weight and I'm sure it's a contributing factor as to why I do this. I don't have the willpower to lose any and I can't fight the negative thoughts that radiate out of my mind.

I would be lying if I said I've never tried or thought about suicide. I have. I'm not proud, but I have now also grown an addiction to pain pills.

I'm a troubled child who feels like I am nothing to the world or to any individual, regardless of what is said.

Hopefully this all wears down soon. I've made my body more ugly. A non-changeable ugly. These scars will never fade 100% away and it's something I will be stuck with.