I Feel Too Much...

by Felicia
(Chicago, IL USA)

I was 10 years old when my mother asked me if I thought she should divorce my father. I didn't know what divorce was. After she explained it to me, I thought about everything that had happened in my ten years of life. There was a thin wall between my mother's room and the one my younger sister and I shared. I heard her sobbing every night that he didn't come home. My father was a drug and alcohol abuser. That, in turn, also made him emotionally and mentally abusive to myself and my 4 siblings.

I knew sadness all too well. I told my mother if she loved him, she should stay with him. I knew that's what she wanted to hear, but my 10 year old heart wanted him gone. I was always a great kid, very happy, top of my class, funny and popular. Everyone expected the very best out of me, especially my mother. When I was 14 my grandmother was dying. I adored her. I had a puppy love relationship that had very mature issues I didn't know how to deal with. Everything piled up on top of each other caused me to explode one day. I felt extreme sadness and anger and didn't know what to do. I went into the bathroom with a knife late one night and cut my wrists until I didn't hurt inside anymore. All of my pain became physical and that was a lot more tolerable. Ever since then every time I felt overwhelmed by life and my whirlwind of emotions, that is what I did. Even after being caught by my best friend and prayed over by 3 pastors at church I still cut my wrists when I couldn't take life anymore.

Today I am 20, soon to be 21. It had been over a year since I cut. That changed yesterday. I've been in 2 relationships over the past year. The first one failed because I didn't feel he loved me as much as I loved him. He mistreated me. He was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. I had to get out and I did. Then prince charming came along and swept me off my feet. Only turns out he was more like prince I'm gonna lie to you about the smallest things and drive you crazy! I lost it. I tried other outlets like writing, and music worked for a long time. Nothing helped yesterday. I had a breakdown and grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen. Cut myself 4 times. I wasn't crying anymore though and I felt ok.

I hate cutting. I hate what it does to me mentally and how it affects those closest to me. I now have this secret I have to hide when I just want to scream and get help! I know that I let my anger get the best of me too often but, I don't know how not to get angry and how not to lose it. I just want help. I want out. Not of this life, out of this mess I seem to have gotten myself into again.

Comments for I Feel Too Much...

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if you are willing to
by: shaniece

maybe u shuld talk to a phsycologist
or i dont know if u think that this is too much, but try christian group therapy sessions
i only say that because they wont judge you and there wuld probably be other people in the group that have been through the same things u have been through

because of how long u ahve been doing it and how bad it has become, a christian group therapy could be very helpful=)

i think that if i was still cutting myslef then i wuldnt mind being in a christian group therapy=)

*well i hope that this helped u and ill b praying that God intervenes in your life and permanently heals you from ur self abuse issues

Life alone is a messy business
by: Anonymous

Dear Friend,
You never need to be alone and even though you think you are, it's because you just can't hear the voice of the one who loves you more than any human can love you. Your story is my story, is every girl's story. Simply put, the world is divided among the ones that cause pain and the ones who suffer pain. There's the inevitable pain of losses that we will experience in this life. But here is a secret, cutting is an attack of your spiritual enemy. YOu have a weapon but you just don't know it. I'll make a deal with you, how about instead of living for yourself, picking the right guy all by yourself, getting rid of your anger all by yourself, finding the right path for you or your loved ones by yourself, and living life in your own terms, you turn to Jesus? Please don't stop reading, let me explain how you do that and how practical this can be, the Word (the bible) is a double-edge sword, you have an enemy that is trying to kill you. If you get your bible and open to Psalms and read out loud and every day, you start your day like a camel (on your knees) and ask a simple prayer "God, please I can't control this addiction. I've been hurting for a long time and you know my heart, please send the Holy Spirit to take over my emotions, my thoughts, my words, my life. It is yours. I surrender all to you, guide me to be of service to you and my fellow man. Help me to get out of self and be able to serve others. In Jesus name I pray. Amem."

Christianiy, true Christianiy is a very practical thing. If you use the sword, you'll see your enemy walk away and when Satan walks away, peace returns. Trust God with all your heart and rely not in your own understanding. People are given free will and when this free will is not submitted to God, what can happen is that a home is broken because of alcoholism. Please remember that the opposite of love is not hatred but selfishness and if Satan can get you into the road of selfishness you can be temporarily dead to the word of God that is trying to direct your steps. Don't let the pain and suffering from your parents bring you more pain and suffering. Your value does'nt come from someone loving you, but from God's approval. Seek His approval and a magic thing will happen inside you. That is not my promise, it is His and I can testify to that. I lived a life of pain and sorrow even though I thought I was a Christian but everything changed when I started APPLYING my Christianity.

Starting my day like a camel, praying without ceasing and claiming the promises from the Bible. Words can never explain the transformation your life will endure, but it is a process, it is not an overnight thing but it will happen because God cannot lie.

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