I cut.. yer ...... please help me....

by Dannii
(Australia)

I know this may be long, but i need to tell the full story, to someone.

btw: I'm thirteen, and Im a girl (obviously!)

I cut myself, have been for a while now. It really tears me apart seeing all my friends give me support, and I tell them I've stopped, I promise it will be the last. but i always find myself doing it again. what hurts me even more is seeing how disappointed they are in me. Friends have been slipping away from me, slowly and slowly im slipping too.

It started with my father. He has major problems somewhere. He has anger problems, and yells alot. he also has panic attacks sometimes. although im never there when he does, my mother tells me the stories.

One day it all became to much. I was fighting with my dad,and friends at school. I was very unstable and felt so alone and i just thought stuff it, and i did it.

I told my friends i thought i could trust, then didn't understand why i had done it. and i couldnt really explain it either. At some points i still wonder if i did it that very first time just for attention.

after i told my friends. other poeple began to find out. i didn't want it that way. but in a sense i got alot of attention which almost made up for the attention i wasn't getting at home.

expect. a few girls that i really dont like found out, and decided it would be the funniest thing to torment me. they called me emo, and told me to go cut myself. on things like msn i would get messages like "cut cut cut" or even just random things like "fat looser emo go cut yourself"

while all this was happening i had another fight with my father. which drove me to do it again. I told my closest friend, and rather than comforting me. she turned me down and said "Im sorry we cant be friends anymore" she was done with my problems.

and of coarse after this happened i felt so utterly alone. i just kept doing it. I found more people to confide in, the right people. they really helped me and didn't judge. they were all older than me and had gone through things i had.

everything started to fix itself. my best friend accepted me into her life again and i started to look up and see that the world wasnt so hopeless.

I let her back in, even though she jumped on my heart. and that was a mistake i should have never made. she treated me differently, she saw the scars one day and just made a scene about it.

i broke down, and just started crying. the worst of it was, everyone saw me just wailing, with tears rolling down my cheeks. i usually don't cry and this just didn't help. they stared, they didnt give a toss about how i felt.

and today, i cut deeper than ever. i scared myself. and thats why Im here.....