i cut myself

by daisy
(aurora il)

am 15 i was though of myself as being a happy person i play sports and my friends always say a have a smile on my face .but they dont know the real pain that i hold and the scars that i hide .am not really sure why i did?me and my mom never really got along we always fought my mom is really into church she goes all the time i never really cared much for going, it was boring to me i didnt get it.that would make my mom mad that i didnt want to go she would say why couldnt i be like the rest of the girls at church. i thnk i was 11 when i cut myself for the first time.on a sunday morning my mom made me and my brother go i didnt want to go so she yelled at me and i ran to my room and hid in my closet .ifelt like she didnt love me or that iwasnt good enough for her or the right daughter icryed and all i remember was taking a needle and cuting ,that was the first time i did it.but it wasnt the last .after doing it that time it made me feeling like the pain had gone away for a alittle and we ever i felt like i couldnt deal with something i cut.i started doing it after all the brake ups ihad with boyfriends too idont know why but it made me feel better.

when i was in 8th grade i found a guy that made me feel like iwas something he always tell me how much he loved me and cared for me .he found out that i cut myself and he was sad but he didnt yell at me he jstbtood me that he was there for me abd loved me i stopd cuting myself for about 9months . we broke up, and i went through a faze were i didnt want to tlk to no one and after school i went straight to me room and slept for hours sometime i did eat cause iwas sleeping.my dad started to see something was wrong so we would ask me but i would lie to him and say iwas tried from soccer practices and he would let it go.i sartd hearing from friends that my ex had another girl and thats when i cut myself again .at night iwould cry every day for hem and thats when i would cut again nd again. its been a two weeks now since we broke up i hqte looking at my wrist to see all the scars.when iwas 12 ithough about throwing myself out the window to see if anyone would care about me.those were stupid thoughs.i try my best not to do it but it just happends sometimes and i can help it i cant talk to my parents about it.and i cant tell my friends because iknow what they'll say. they'll get mad me and just tell me to stop.
my friends have seen my scars but i just lie and say i hurt myself in soccer and they seem to believe it.am so confused and lost.am i depressed?