How did I never SEE it?
I am considered a "good christian girl" by all those around me. I'm the pastor's daughter, a good influence, a sweetheart. I make people think what I want them to think, it's easy to perform an image and wait to struggle with the darkness when I'm alone.
I've struggled with cutting and depression, making me never feel quite at home anywhere. With some friends I was always performing, with others I felt like a weeping victim, always trying to vent out my problems and figure out answers. I was never ME.
Finally I just turned to the internet to numb my problems. I could spend hours on social networks or just surfing the web. I never had to face anything when I was doing this. My grades began to drop, my procrastination hightened, and I hated being with anybody because they make me see who I really am - a moron and a sluggard and FAT. Where internet didn't satisfy, I would use food to fill the gaps.
Lately I've begun to seek God out, to have bible study with Him every morning and night, praying, beseeching. It was really good for me at first, I felt like I was coming to life again.
But then I started asking him to reveal things to me - and all of a sudden, I realized that I might have an eating disorder. I'm overweight, but for the past three months I've starved myself about 1 out of every 4 days (I used a food journal, so I was able to look back and find the trends). That's about twice a week. I've lost about 25 pounds, but I've never felt fatter in my LIFE. I binge more than I starve myself, making me gain a lot too. And then there's that ugly voice that yells at me and freaks out and is louder and louder when I'm hungry but at least when I'm hungry I'm in CONTROL.
So basically - I think I have bulemia, non-purging type.
The scary thing about that is that I didn't even think of it as a problem. It was just something I did, something I deserved. But suddenly it seemes so obvious that this is not good.
I have so many of the symptoms. I read as much as I can about anoxexia and bulmia nervosa, checking out websites and books and survivor groups all the time. I had this strange obsession with eating disorders that I couldn't figure out. Maybe I knew subconciously, and I was trying to warn myself, or at least feel acknowlaged and not alone.
I'm obsessed with my weight, and other people's weight. People who seemed fine before suddenly look fat. And I'm MONSTROUS. How did I ever LIVE with myself before? Doing nothing? Just eating and eating and eating? Calories are the most important numbers around me. I pick at what other people eat, but I can't help myself. Sometimes I wonder how people can even put some of that stuff in their MOUTHS.
I avoid sports with people because I feel like I'm too fat to join in.
During the past three months I've started developing panic attacks, dramatic moodswings, and dizziness and headaches - expecially around purging periods.
How did I never SEE this? It's kind of scary. Okay, it's way scary. I'm starting to freak out a little.
I'm 156 pounds, size 12. So I do need to lose like 10 pounds before I even get to "healthy weight." But this is taking over my life. My journal is filled with I HATE MYSELF and I'M UGLY and I'M FAT and a million numbers - weight, calories, pant sizes - when it used to be a philosophical outlet. I've even stopped writing stories and poetry.
Now that I see everything, I just want to cut. So bad. I crave it like a drug. I didn't even get too deep before, just a few little marks against my arm. Three or four times. That was all. But now I feel like it's all that could give me just a moment of rest - it's all building up like the straw on the Camel's back.
I'm trying to talk to God, but I don't know what to do. My relationships with everyone are strained. I don't know who to TALK to. I have one of my my best friends who I'm texting with right now, but she's busy and I'm scaring her half to death and I don't mean to but AGGHHH!
I'll be okay, I think. If not, well, it's just me, right?
I know I'm beautiful in God's eyes, but it's so HARD sometimes. I feel like if I could just get skinny, I'll be okay. I'll be in control, on top of things. But that's how these things go, right? You never get skinny enough. You never get control.
I used to feel like hunger was clean and good and strong. It was a control thing. Sometimes a self-injury thing, it gave relief when I was too scared to go to the blade. But it's never hurt me.
I'm scared. I don't know whats going on, or if I really have a problem, or if I'm overreacting and if going under 1,000 calories 1 day out of every 4 isn't that big of a deal.
So I just need prayer. Please?