Hopeless and Hating

I've been struggling with depression for what seems to be forever. I think it started around fourth or fifth grade. Since depression runs in my family, my mom knew to take me to see a doctor. I have been on various anti-depressents and some of them have helped. But the bad feelings, or whatever, are always there. Lying beneath the surface. I'm good at faking it. After four years you tend to be able to lie about it. I have never been worse than where I am now, though. I have never been this close to killing myself. I had never cut myself until a week ago. I think I will aways be too scared to actually commit suicide, but I want to. I am not in a good place in my relationship with the Lord. I'm doubting and just plain angry. I used to think that God was real because I felt like He was there and I was so convinced. But Muslim extremests also are convinced that they are doing the right thing. Anyway, I don't want to tell my mom that I'm feeling this way because it will only cause her pain. She'll tell me she's so sorry. It's worse than people saying, oh it happens to everyone. So I laugh with my friends, but I find myself thinking about hurting myself and killing myself a lot. I don't know what to do. But I can't deal with the feelings without doing something. I haven't hurt myself badly, but I think I might some time. So, I guess you didn't need to know all that, but it feels good to get my feelings completely out without anyone knowing it's me.