Help! I just don't know what to do anymore.......
I know the statistics. I know the death rate. I know the mental, physical, and spiritual tolls it takes on you. But I can't see how I can give it all up. It's become part of me.
Last year, I started on a "diet", just to lose a few pounds. It quickly escalated into an obsession, a "high", whenever I would be dizzy from working out so hard or light-headed from not eating for 2 days. I threw up a few cereal bars, but not often; it scared me too much. My parents noticed something wrong with me, but I hid it so well they didn't know what. My life was a black hole, going into a downward spiral.
Then I went to summer camp; where I met Jesus. Sure, since I was little I had grown up in the church, had a bible, but never really cared. Well, then I started caring. Jesus was my everything. HE was my high, not starvation.
Then the drama started again. The pressures were all around me. I slowly began to cut back my food, weigh myself again; horrified at the number on the scale. Had I not starved and worked for months, only to gain it and so much more back? My "best friend"'s birthday party pushed me over the edge. She was texting her ex, flirting, who I wasn't very fond of. Well, apparently her said something very, very rude about me. Now, normally, she would have showed it to me and vowed never to speak to him again. But there were other people there, so she had to make a scene. When I reached for the phone, she screamed "It's not big deal! Gosh!" And then continued to talk about it in whispers to the others. Everyone but me. Not even noticing when I curled up on the couch, crying. Or maybe just not caring.
Well, I just couldn't take it anymore. One night, I weighed myself, and was horrified at the number. So I did the unthinkable: I threw up. After that, the number satisfied me. It was just a one-time thing, right? Wrong. Someone saying something about me? My parents scolding me? Messing up in something, making a tiny mistake? It all sends me running to the bathroom. And it comforts me, like I'm getting rid of all that negative energy.
Yes, I'm still a Christian. And yes, I'm praying about this. But recently, my mom and me had a talk about ed's, and she talked about how selfish they are and how expensive and how painful for the family, and we just decided to start saving money, and I honesty don't think I could do that to my mom. I mean, it helps me through the tough times, and she doesn't know anything's going on. What's wrong? But I know this picture is off. I know she needs to know...I just don't know how....
Please, please comment and give me some advice, or at least just tell me your praying for me!