Foolish Little Freshman Girl

by Talia
(Santa Rosa, California, USA)

I found this website because I needed to get my story out there with it being anonymous. And I thank whoever put up this site.

I started cutting when I was in 7th grade, which was two years ago. I had this fight with my father when he was drunk. He had hit me, and what I still can't understand, is that my mother didn't do anything. She just sat in the kitchen reading or eating, or something like that. After that fight, I couldn't stand it. I felt powerless. I needed to feel power. If it wasn't going to be over my father, or my mother, it needed to be over me.

I used a safety pin the first time. I just cut little lines on my stomach, and on my hip. That was it for about a year. But at the end of 8th grade, it got worse. I remembered what the feeling was to cut. It gave me a good kind of feeling. A rush. So, I started again.

I started cutting little things, like sayings or words into my upper legs. I carved "CAMP CAZ" and "LOVE". Just little things that expressed what I was feeling at the moment. The last thing on my mind was that they would stay there for a VERY long time.

But this year, I met someone that changed my life. He was sweet, funny, and cute. We had something in common, we both self harmed ourselves. He didn't cut though, he would take a paper clip, and burn it. Then he would write things on his skin.

I wondered what that was like. So instead of cutting, I took a paper clip, held it up to a candle, got it red hot, and drew a little heart on my knee. (I do believe it's still there.)

So, being the little foolish freshman that I am, I carved his name into my hip, so that he would be a part of me forever. It healed in my favor.

That's not all that's been bothering me and making me want to feel power. Ever since I can remember, my lowest grade in school has been a C+. Now, my parents see my progress report, and see F's and D-'s.

My cutting has been an influence on everything I do. I can't keep my grades up, I can't show my arms in public. Sometimes, I can't even think straight. I need help.

Please, if you do cut, and you do read this, don't be a stupid little freshman, and carve someone's name, whom you don't even see that often, into your body.

Thank you for your time.