Foolish Little Freshman Girl

by Talia
(Santa Rosa, California, USA)

I found this website because I needed to get my story out there with it being anonymous. And I thank whoever put up this site.

I started cutting when I was in 7th grade, which was two years ago. I had this fight with my father when he was drunk. He had hit me, and what I still can't understand, is that my mother didn't do anything. She just sat in the kitchen reading or eating, or something like that. After that fight, I couldn't stand it. I felt powerless. I needed to feel power. If it wasn't going to be over my father, or my mother, it needed to be over me.

I used a safety pin the first time. I just cut little lines on my stomach, and on my hip. That was it for about a year. But at the end of 8th grade, it got worse. I remembered what the feeling was to cut. It gave me a good kind of feeling. A rush. So, I started again.

I started cutting little things, like sayings or words into my upper legs. I carved "CAMP CAZ" and "LOVE". Just little things that expressed what I was feeling at the moment. The last thing on my mind was that they would stay there for a VERY long time.

But this year, I met someone that changed my life. He was sweet, funny, and cute. We had something in common, we both self harmed ourselves. He didn't cut though, he would take a paper clip, and burn it. Then he would write things on his skin.

I wondered what that was like. So instead of cutting, I took a paper clip, held it up to a candle, got it red hot, and drew a little heart on my knee. (I do believe it's still there.)

So, being the little foolish freshman that I am, I carved his name into my hip, so that he would be a part of me forever. It healed in my favor.

That's not all that's been bothering me and making me want to feel power. Ever since I can remember, my lowest grade in school has been a C+. Now, my parents see my progress report, and see F's and D-'s.

My cutting has been an influence on everything I do. I can't keep my grades up, I can't show my arms in public. Sometimes, I can't even think straight. I need help.

Please, if you do cut, and you do read this, don't be a stupid little freshman, and carve someone's name, whom you don't even see that often, into your body.

Thank you for your time.

Comments for Foolish Little Freshman Girl

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you're not stupid
by: cassandra

hey girlie. i don't think your stupid, i don't think you used the common sense God gave you when you carved his name, but you as a person are not stupid. God made you and He loves you soo much, and He doesn't make anything stupid.
i'm a former cutter. i still struggle at times, but not like i did. i have now been cut-free for about 2 1/2months. what helps me is to draw on paper whatever i'm feeling at the time...maybe instead of carving yourself when you feel like cutting, you could carve whatever you would've into a piece of wood or the dirt or something like that--something that won't hurt you...also what helps me is to hit something, like a pillow hard, or to scream into a ya girlie!praying for ya..i do believe that with God's help you can beat this. i wouldn't be able to do it without without Him, but with Him, i'm able to do it..i know what its like for cutting to control your whole life and not be able to think straight and keep your grades up. my grades weren't exactly very good in high school(i'm now a sophomore in college), and last year, during my first year of college, i had to take one class twice and the second time i still didn't pass it, so its ok..all you can do is do your best.

im here for you, God is here for you
by: Maggie

We all do foolish things at your age. Im about to turn 20. and well, i havent cut myself. but there was times in my life that i did want to.
I got a cousin that does that. and it hurts me because i care for him.

Yes, problems etc may cause you to do that to yourself. But you shouldnt.
Your body do not belong to you.
Didnt you know that your body is the temple of God?
Dont harm urself.
If anything, i know you might not know me. but im here for you.
God is waiting for you with open arms.

my heart goes out 2u
by: Natasha

Having someone do nothing to defend you can be worse than having someone do something to hurt you. Your mom should have protected you, but she didn't and that really hurts. If your dad(or anyone else) still hits you, you need to seek protection. No one has the right to hit you, whether or not they are intoxicated!
As you have already experienced, self injury often starts small and grows worse. It is important to stop before it gets worse yet. The injuries you described can leave you prone to infections. Be sure you keep any injuries clean & covered & apply triple antibiotic ointment.
Find a counselor & get help! If your family is willing, it sounds like you could all benefit from some family counseling as well.

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