cut the pain away

i guess by writing this it might make me feel better for a minute...

i started this about a year ago, i don't really know why ive just always believed something was wrong with me, when i turned 15 and all my depressive feelings were coming back, i didn't even know where i was, i felt so numb i didn't know anything and no one knew. i had a boy friend after that, (my first real relationship) who also does this for a lot of messed up mental reasons of his own, that i was also dealing with while we were going out, he was the first one who actually cared enough to look at my wrists and force me to tell him how i was feeling and why i did it. he meant a lot to me and was truly the only thing that could make me smile. of course he broke up with me for his problems and the people telling him things in his head and he was a senior so he was moving to a different state. the first thing i did when i got home was punch my mirror down and dig the broken peices in my body, so i started cutting again and i loved it, i used to cry when i looked at my scars now i don't care. i told my best friend but she doesn't care, and she's horrible at pretending to, she is also my only friend, well that i don't want to kill that is. my mom works in a psych ward as a doctor, i could never tell her, that her daughter is a failure. i have panic/anxiety attacks almost everyday no one in my family knows, ive always been the happy nice quiet girl, but truth is i guess ive always been good at hiding my real feelings,thats a great way to ruin a relationship. it seems pretty pathetic knowing that what triggered this again was some boy, but its my fault and i like to think its not stupid, how could something that feels so good make me also feel stupid? i don't care anymore i'm going to do it until i feel something again. i like to think i still have music, but im beginning to get scared for my life because it doesn't seem like enough anymore...i could keep going on but i know it won't do any good.

Comments for cut the pain away

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you're not stupid
by: cassandra

you're not stupid. i'm currently a recovering cutter and i'll be the first to tell you how difficult it is to stop. its been about 1 1/2-2months or so since i last gave in and its not easy, but you can overcome it! you're also not a failure. my dad's a pastor, and i've struggled with cutting and also eating disorders off and on, but i dont think that makes me messed up..what it means is that i just took a wrong turn, and found something negative that helped me coped with everything. maybe the fact that your mom is a psychiatrist would help her understand. chances are, she's seen many other teen girls who cut, with the addiction growing as much as it is. i'm convinced that its impossible to stop w/o someone positive in your life to help you and God as well. for me, the people who had the biggest positive influence in my life were my counselor last year at the university i attended last year and my youth leaders. if you don't feel comfortable talking to your mom, what about youth leaders, a pastor, teacher, school counselor? but in my opinion, your mom is the best person to tell.

Have Hope!
by: janice

Hello there,it is obvious you are hurting deeply.
I just want to say that many times in our lives when things aren't going our way our relationships seem to be breaking down.
In moments like these you can't depend on your circumstances to encourage you,and you sure can't trust your feelings to pull you through. But in the face of it all,you can hope in God!
Hebrews6:19 promises you this"...hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls".
All hope comes from God.Hope enables us to expect that things will get better even in the face of greatest despair. Please do not give up on yourself have hope because God loves YOU! YOU ARE SPECIAL!

reach out for help
by: Natasha

Addiction never discriminates. Some people who injure have no parents & some have great parents- it's not about your mom being a doctor- it's about you needing support & help. You need to tell someone and get into treatment. You could even print the letter you wrote here & give it to your mom. You can get better! Recovery is hard, but it is definetly worth fighting for! You will not feel this way forever. Hang in there!

hi there :)
by: GIGI

Lets make a deal for no addictions :)
You are NOT alone- Trust me.
But, I will make a huge deal with you. I have an eating problem, & horrible self-image. I feel like I'm just a little overweight, & I'd like to loose a few pounds.
If you & I can stay away from our addictions for just one week & keep on going with it (your addiction; cutting; my addiction; binge eating & then dieting like crazy), I promise you, all these feelings will just fade slowly away.
So, lets make a deal. For just a week (then we can keep moving on) I go with no sugar, you go with no cutting. I have a huge sugar addiction & actucally go through withdrawls when I dont have it. So I understand how bad an addiction can be.
Whaddya say? For just 1 week, no cutting, and I have no sugar. We will both heal our addictions slowly together! Even though you don't know me & I don't know you, we'll do this as a pact to break through this, ok?
Respond with your answer! :) :)
p.s. I wont try and force you into anything you dont want 2 do, but I can gurentee, you will feel a whole lot better after this addiction slows down. The 1st week will be extremely hard. Write down EVERYTHING that you want to do; Cut urself, watch yourself bleed, IDK whatever you want, but get your feelings out on a PAGE not your body!!
Hope this helps & remember; We'll do this together.

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