cut the pain away

i guess by writing this it might make me feel better for a minute...

i started this about a year ago, i don't really know why ive just always believed something was wrong with me, when i turned 15 and all my depressive feelings were coming back, i didn't even know where i was, i felt so numb i didn't know anything and no one knew. i had a boy friend after that, (my first real relationship) who also does this for a lot of messed up mental reasons of his own, that i was also dealing with while we were going out, he was the first one who actually cared enough to look at my wrists and force me to tell him how i was feeling and why i did it. he meant a lot to me and was truly the only thing that could make me smile. of course he broke up with me for his problems and the people telling him things in his head and he was a senior so he was moving to a different state. the first thing i did when i got home was punch my mirror down and dig the broken peices in my body, so i started cutting again and i loved it, i used to cry when i looked at my scars now i don't care. i told my best friend but she doesn't care, and she's horrible at pretending to, she is also my only friend, well that i don't want to kill that is. my mom works in a psych ward as a doctor, i could never tell her, that her daughter is a failure. i have panic/anxiety attacks almost everyday no one in my family knows, ive always been the happy nice quiet girl, but truth is i guess ive always been good at hiding my real feelings,thats a great way to ruin a relationship. it seems pretty pathetic knowing that what triggered this again was some boy, but its my fault and i like to think its not stupid, how could something that feels so good make me also feel stupid? i don't care anymore i'm going to do it until i feel something again. i like to think i still have music, but im beginning to get scared for my life because it doesn't seem like enough anymore...i could keep going on but i know it won't do any good.