Cut for years

by Debra
(Portland, OR)

My mom has always been very stressed out and she always has stressed me out. She is always yelling at me if I cried over my homework, even in 1st grade, and she would hit me over the head until I stopped. When I was young, as in six years old, my ten-year old brother sexually abused me and I didn't even know it at the time. He didn't have sex with me, but I would sleep in his room if he asked me to and he would have me take off my pajamas and he would touch my "girl parts" and ask me how it felt, then afterward he would have me rub his "guy part". I did this until I was about nine years old.... Then I started to realize what was happening so I kept to myself and didn't say anything. I don't tell anyone even now, I am actually ashamed because I didn't fight back and I feel like I don't want him to get in trouble. I know that he knew what we were doing back then, even if I didn't. Then as I turned 13 he and my mom started yelling late at night. That was when I began to cut. I couldn't bear this secret anymore and my mom was looking for perfection. To this day I am still uncomfortable when my BROTHER tries to hug me. I cut myself about 10 times a day, on my thigh because I do dance and gymnastics. So yah, my story.... Oh and I've told two people, my guy friends, and all they did was tell me not to.... they told me they cared about me but they don't talk about it anymore, I don't want to talk about it anyway...