BLOODY LOVE IS MY ANSWER

I am 14 years old and my cuts aren't very big, not at all. What I would do was take a little blade and run it over my skin several times. I didn't want to go deep because I didn't want scars to remind me of my pain and plus, when out in public (I don't let anyone get a good look) if anyone saw them on my wrists under all my bracelets (I cut my wrists) they would look like little bloody scrapes. No one ever questioned me and I am happy about that. But also on my wrist, there is a word I carved, LOVE. And every time I cut I go over it several times, so now its a scar. But I don't try to cover it up. I'm surprised no one has noticed it yet. It's pretty big now, though.

I first cut when I was about 11 years old. I was pretty upset after getting into a fight with my dad. I always get into fights with him, I still do. We are so different, we believe in different things, etc. But the thing that really upsets me about him is that he thinks my sisters (they are younger than me, one is 12 and the other is 11) are more depressed than me. My mom died. Whenever he writes letters talking about that, he talks only about how depressed they are (even though I'm sure they're a little sad, they are no where near being depressed) and he never says a word about me. I have tried to talk about this to him, but it didn't do any good. When I first cut, it was with a small tiny knife. As I said before I was mad at my dad. I was holding it. I liked how the blade was cold, so I would always put it up to my skin. So when my dad was yelling at me, I was squeezing the knife in my hand (not the blade, but the blade was still touching my hand), trying to make the pain of his words go away. Then the blade suddenly went through my skin (it wasn't a deep cut.) I felt instant relief and my anger was gone.

I forgot all about that relief until this year. I was pretty angry about something and that memory came back to my head. I grabbed a manual pencil sharper and took the blade off. I put some anti-bacterial stuff on it and cut right across my wrist. I felt so much relief (this cut was the deepest out of my others, I have a scar.) After for about two minutes I watched it bleed. It didn't hurt until after it stopped bleeding. It stung a little. I went online and read about other people who cut. I decided I was going to cut, but not have scars.