Becoming Me

by GiGi

I had always struggled with my self-image. Girls at my school told me that when I hit the ground, the earth shook. I wasn't even close to fat. I had broad shoulders and I was five foot six at age twelve, but I was never fat. It took root in my soul and things started happening in me. I looked in the mirror per day and would say, "You're a piece of crap." I had believed every negative word about me that these girls (and some boys!) had said about me. I would look in the mirror and think I was one of the ugliest-looking human beings possible alive. I hated myself, no, It was more than self-hatred, it was..... It was like I had the thought that I shouldn't be alive for being so ugly. I knew I was a nobody, a nothing to this world, and I wanted myself to die per day. A nasty Facebook group about me popped up called, "GiGi Sucks Balls" and anybody who didn't like me would write horrifying stuff about me on the page. I was broken. I became to hate God- Literally hate him. Hate him with everything in me. I wished that I could be sent into my own grave, just so the bullies wouldn't have to to see my face everyday. I had the strongest thoughts about suicide, and at one time, I almost tried to kill myself, but I knew I never could. I didn't have enough guts to hurt myself. I prayed to God every night that he would give me cancer so I could stay away from school throwing every part of my stomach up and eventually withering away and dying. I was addicted to hating myself. My heart was broken because of these girls- Just a few words had so much power of my soul, my thoughts, and my heart. Around July of 2009, I knew I wanted to be something of value. I knew I wanted to be something important to society. I felt like if I died the next day, only a few family members would even come to my funeral. I took on the interest of acting, and started going to acting classes and even joined the drama club at my school. I had always wanted to be "famous" when I was younger, just like every other girl out there, but I had never wanted something more in the world then becoming something important. I had taken show choir and drama for a full year before, but I hadn't been so determined as I had in July of 2009. I wanted revenge on all the bullies- I wanted to have fans screaming my name and wanting my autograph. It was an unrealistic dream, but I wanted it.

As I went into my seventh grade year of school, the bullying came at its hardest. I was completely left out, unwanted, and I felt more disgusted with myself than ever before. I could not get one girl's words out of my head- It was from over the summer when a "popular" girl started to befriend me because I became a cheerleader, and we went on a trip to Vegas together with our Moms. At dinner one night in front of everyone she said, "I love GiGI, she's like my best friend, but I'm not going to tell anyone that we're hanging out because nobody really likes her." I was too shocked to even have one feeling of hurt flood through my heart. It was a shock, so I just shrugged it off like everything else. My Mom left the dinner table leaving the girl in tears for saying that rude thing to me. That night while laying in bed, her words started to process and I burst into tears. It was a delayed reaction.
Towards November of 2009, the bullying hit me so hard I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I was emotionally depressed, and It was a struggle to get my clothes on. It wasn't a healthy situation for me. I decided it was time to leave this life of mine behind. I transferred to another school in January. Once I transferred, everything got happier for me. Life became better and God and I's relationship was stronger. I still had nightmares of the bullies taunting me, and it was sometimes a struggle to keep those devouring memories out of my mind. It was especially hard on the ones around me because my negative attitude brought them down as well. All in All, I learned from everything that God is never going to leave you- He never left me, even though it felt like he had. Even though sometimes it might be hard to accept yourself- you've got to love yourself so you will never have to have the battle of self-hatred like I had. Never let people's harsh comments and rude evaluations about you ruin who you are as a person. If I had known those words two and a half years ago, I would've saved the trouble of my depression a long time ago.

Comments for Becoming Me

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Feb 02, 2010
by: kat

Thats messed up what that girl said...and Im sorry about what other people would say about you- i wouldn't want to go to school either. thats good that everything turned out good!!and true god is always there for you, even though sometimes i feel like i hate him, i KNOW that i shouldn't.& don't listen to other people that bring you down like that..there not worth your time obviously.find your true friends :) and i want to thank youu again for taking your time reading what i wrote and commenting on it.Thank you so muchh!& your names gigi?? Im like in love with that name i use to babysit a little girl named gigi(: XOXO, kat<3

Feb 03, 2010
by: Anonymous

What a profound testimony! Gigi, you continue to grow in the knowledge of God's love for you.

You are a wonderful witness - let Him make a pearl out of that pain - you are special GiGi, don't ever forget it - it's awesome to think about how the Lord is going to use you to set others free. There's purpose to that pain, you articulated that Truth so well, be blessed GiGi and definitely keep us posted!

Feb 17, 2010
by: Gigi Bastian

Wow thank you all for writing your comments on my story! It means a lot to me!
Thank you for telling me I was a special girl! Those are words I will NEVER forget :)

Apr 14, 2010
beautiful girl :)
by: Anonymous

i wish i had a mind like you. You are a beutiful girl with a powerful mind, and if i went to your school i would definitely be there for you. Im so glad you have found happiness with God and at school. You have inspired me to be more strong minded and less gullable to what people say to me.
Keep up the good attitude and alway remember that God loves you. xx

Apr 15, 2010
A Pearl In The Making
by: Anonymous

Hi Special GiGi - Love it, love it love it - already your'e being told that your testimony was an inspiration! That's God - it's awesome to see His hand working in your behalf.

To both of you precious, dynamic, special ladies who are loved by the Almighty God. Continue to stay in His Presence, study His Word so that you may become strong by the power that that knowledge brings.

God has some incredible things planned for the both of you. You are here, not by accident but because of the Will of God. What He put in each of you the world needs it. So it's up to you to discover your purpose so that the world can reap the benefits and our God can reap the glory.

Jeremiah 29:11 Psalm 139 Jereiah 1 Ephesians 1
Philippians 3 I John 5 Study those and I want you to look up the defintion of the following words. Write it out and print them and as a personal study show how those words tie in with scripture. You precious young ladies are about to go on a wonderful journey of discovery. Ready?

Will Purpose Pre Destination Destiny Plan Predestined Know Chosen Called Ordain Sanctified - according to the foreknowledge of God all of this applies to you. Find out why.

God bless the both of you and please keep us posted!

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