A Life Saved
I was the strong, independent person who had been through so much in my life, I thought I would make it through anything. I gave credit to myself for all that I accomplished. I surely did not believe in God. I stopped believing in Him when I was around 9 years old. My mom's drug addiction kept her away and when she did come home it was only to steal from us and leave again, so how could there be a God? I later found I was wrong, and it took me until the age of 32 to find out how wrong I was, and how amazing God is. I am now 33.
This is my story: I experienced more than I should have throughout my teens and twenties. I became so strong that tears had become almost non existent anymore. I married my high school sweetheart. I was with my husband for 5 ½ years, and he began cheating on me shortly after I had become pregnant. I was divorced at the age of 22, and a single mom of a 1 ½ year old daughter. I trusted him with all my heart. He devastated my world as I knew it. During this time I wrote 2 poetry books. the poems were filled with hurt, and questions of trust and deceit of love and friendships. I wrote over and over asking what was the purpose of this crazy life. How many times could a heart break? I even wrote poem called "Dear God You Suck"...I was convinced if there really was a God, he had hated me from the time I was born. But logically, there was no God, and I had very good argument to support my reasons why there could not be such a thing as God. I worked as a bartender for a few years. I waitressed, did office jobs, and then moved back to my home town. I live in a small town where I grew up and I know almost everyone it seems. It's funny how you trust people when you are from a small town. There was a community event that happens every year here. It brings in musicians, and tourists, but mainly it brings this community and those who once lived here all together for music, food, local wine and locally brewed beer. It was my first year ever attending, that was June 27, 2009. I chatted with old friends as I drank some wine. I left my drink, unguarded. This was the small town I was from so I thought nothing of it. A man I had worked with, who I had casually talked to in passing, but did not know, had dropped a drug in my drink. Unknowingly, I drank it. What it came down to was he had taken me to my house, and I woke up to being raped. My legs felt like they weighed 150 pounds each, I kept falling scuffing my bare knees on the concrete, but I escaped to a neighbors house where I stayed that night. I thought since I couldn't remember anything I'd be fine. I didn't have to tell anyone.
I kept telling myself that.
I was wrong. I eventually had to go to the hospital because of the pain of just walking. I was ashamed, embarrassed, angry, confused. I felt dirty.
I began having panic attacks all day long. When I'd walk outside my door, or back in the house, and when I'd go to the only grocery store in this area, afraid to see him. My body refused to sleep at night. I was terrified, and broken. I decided to turn him in to stop him from hurting anyone else. I couldn't be in my house anymore either. I had to move for my mental well being.
When the detectives finally were able to identify and locate him they discovered he was now in another country, and when the detectives made contact with him via email, he committed suicide.
Most said, "Be glad, he can't do that to anyone else." I wasn't glad. I was so angry. I had faced my fears and come forward to tell about it as ashamed, embarrassed, hurt and confused as I was, I faced my fears. I had to tell my family. My dad didn't say a word and handed the phone off to my step-mom, it broke his poor heart. I live in a small town, where people talk and faced that I would be next on the gossip ring and would have to face the judgment and opinions of others. I was going to have to talk about what little pieces I did remember and talk to strangers about graphic, personal details that were hard to say aloud alone let alone in front of everyone. I had faced this all, as hard as it was. Why? He took the easy way out and left me to pick up the pieces of my broken soul he had partially murdered. He never even acknowledged what he did to me in his suicide letter. I was anything but happy about that. After having a panic attack when someone who resembled him drove past my house, I lost it. I knew I could never go back to being normal again. So I drove to the Bridge of the Gods, near my house, that's 175 feet above the Columbia River, with every
intent to jump off.
I hysterically cried, hitting my knees, "Please, please, I can't do this anymore!!!! Oh ple-e-ease, if there really is a God, please I'm begging, take this pain away, I can't do it, I can't do this life anymore."
At that moment my best friend called my cell phone. Normally when upset I don't answer the phone, most people don't, but this time I did. She talked me into coming to her house that night where I cried and shared my pain and fear of being alone that was tearing me apart. I heard his voice.
I believe it was on that Saturday evening while at home, I was keeping busy doing house work and a voice, not my own, asked a question.
He asked me, "Why did you go forward?"
(I knew what he meant: turning the rape in to the police).
I answered, "Because I did not want him to do this to anyone else."
He then asked, "You got what you wanted, he's dead, so why are you so angry?"
My honest answer was, "Because I wanted him to go to prison and get raped over and over again and see how he liked it." He then said, "That's not your place, it's mine. I'm taking care of it. You need to let go of your anger RIGHT NOW, to be healed. Let go." I felt it ALL lift from my toes to my head. And trust me when I remind you I was the unbeliever, I know it sounds crazy, but it is the truth. Like taking off a wet swimsuit, I felt it lift off me. All this weight lifted instantly.
From that night on, I have not suffered a single panic attack, I sleep well at night, and I can talk about the rape without any pain or sadness though it had just happened only 2 months prior, it was now the end of August 2009.
I began to feel life again. I felt whole, I had peace, and for the first time ever I had hope and that feeling of being alone, of not fitting in, it was gone.
He saved my life.
But it didn't end there...
That Monday, I received a call, that even though there were other interested parties in renting the house I wanted and couldn't afford, the landlords agreed to drop the rent $200 a month, just so my daughters and I could have it. I wasn't going to have to stay in the house that it happened in, any longer. I moved on September 1, 2009. I prayed with one of my best friends and her mom, and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord, on October 4, 2009.
the same weekend, another sign of God and blessing occurred..
When I got home from a birthday celebration, there was a birthday card on my front door. When I opened it up, it was signed from God and there was $100 bill in it. See, what no one knew was I had just lost my job and after moving had no money. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want them to worry, but I was completely broke. I started playing detective...who was it who did this.
The next day I got a knock on my door, when I opened the door an older man stood there and asked me if I was Jennifer..I was wary, but answered yes. He looked relieved and then asked if I had gotten my card. I was confused. I didn't know him. I shook my head with an obviously confused look on my face, but then he explained...
He said he had gotten the message that I needed help, he told me his name and asked that I not reveal his identity to anyone local because he had saved money for doing God's work and didn't want the wrong people to find out. I promised. And he took out another $100, I refused but he insisted I take it. I did, and I have not seen him since. I began going to church, Bible study and reading the Bible.
I was Baptized on February 7, 2010.
The blessings haven't stopped, I've gone through stuff since, but the difference is I KNOW everything will be alright. I don't feel empty anymore. God's made it clear to me that He wants me to get into prevention, prevention of rape. To teach kids, to break the silence, and to give hope to others suffering. I have been through all that I have to connect with SO many more people/victims/survivors. So I began college again, specializing in social service. I have been to a Rape prevention facility in Denver Colorado. My goal is to educate, prevent, and break the silence on this crime that occurs too much. Check the statistics, they are higher than any crime, yet is the least talked about. Lets bring this to light and STOP rape, incest, sexual abuse. For everyone.
My name is Jennifer,
Thank you for reading my story. If you have been thru sexual assault, don't give up...life CAN go back to normal again, without pain and fear and triggers that make you relive it everyday...that's why I felt I had to do this project. All of the gifts and healing I was given from God would be in vain if I didn't. You can also watch this on video at