A girl hungry for Love
I've been an unhappy child, my parents had divorced and went their seperate ways when I was 5 years old. Now that I look back I don't see how they ever fell in love, my Mother can't stand him... she's a positive caring person and my Father was a negative person both from unhappy pasts.
My Mother soon married another man afterwards(maybe 1 or 2 years) and I traveled from house to house on different days. I wasn't really welcoming to my stepfather, I did things like him like pouring milk in his hair, he was a very strict and I had to do a lot more work than I had to do before... cleaning the dishes, putting away toys and all.
But that wasn't the reason I was unhappy.
In primary school I grew up happy, too over confident and arrogant maybe for my own good. I picked my nose and did some of all the other little kid things and news of that spread across my grade. I later stopped but everyone didn't stop avoiding me, I was alone and cut off from all little kids for two years of so. I only got out of my loneliness later when I started to lie about what I used to do and found friends people I never knew before in a younger and older year. During those two years I did nothing I only walked around the playground and let my own mind entertain me and during those times... I had gone to church but the children didn't like me either. They treated me as the other kids had in school or worse.
If I tried to join in on things I would be removed or ganged up against. So I became quiet, so awfully quiet and dull in those two years. I became bashful, when I talked to others I talked in a small soft voice, very concious of my self and what I was doing. All I had wanted to do was make others laugh, I thought that you should only try to be who you are and nothing else. During those two years my Mother would also always say was, "don't worry Jess, Jesus loves you."
I knew that.
I always thought I did atleast.
But I wanted the other kids to love me too, I wanted them to play with me, that I would be able to talk and laugh with them just the same way I watched them talk and laugh with eachother each and every day. Know that I look back on this I'm realizing right now how important love really is.
It was when I entered my first year of youth... I think it was near the beginning we had to write down our own testimony. After and during primary school I drew closer and closer to God through Sunday School and worship. But on this particular night when I wrote down my testimony about how I became a Christian and all the things he did in my life I started to cry.
In all the areas of my life, throughout all the times I thought I was without love, when I thought that I was unlovable... That no one in this world was for me or loved me, I saw God's love, I saw him smiling on that night during I was in worship. And he embraced me.
On that night I cried in my stupidity of not acknowledging his unconditional love and grace in my life. I cried because I couldn't see it all and now I could. I cried in happiness, in fullness and completeness. The hole that I had tried to fill or ignore through my story writing and imaginary characters on the internet was now filled with him.
I didn't need to go to other people because I realized that God's love was greater then the love from any human, God's love is greater and deeper then the whole world world. That night I was flooded with He's love and healing.
Now I'm looking back on this, it's been maybe 3 years on? I'm 15. I've been sexually abbused by my Stepdad. He is a greatly respected man in the church, in the family and all he knows and I discovered my father reads pornographical stories, he is married to his third wife, my mum was his second.
I'm going through a tough spiritual battle, to grow in a deeper relationship because last year I took a step away from him in fear when I thought that nothing was going right and that I was hurting the friends I have now more then reaching out to them.
But I'm learning to love God with everything I have and am again. I used to just call God, Lord God, Father and Jesus. But now he is teaching me to call him Daddy.
He is teaching me now what is Father/Daddy and Friend.
But it is only by Grace that I am still here, I may have taken my own life a few years ago in my early childhood. I didn't because I didn't think God would approve or my Mother. There were times I would say to myself... "this is probably it... what if this is the day I die?"
But it wasn't.
And I am still standing healthy, beautiful and strong.
Please pray for me if you have read this... I don't know how to deal with my StepDad and please also pray that I may discover what is Father again.