A Broken but Hopeful Heart

by Denise
(Nairobi, Kenya)

I'm so grateful for this because I don't really have anyone to talk to. Sorry in advance for the super long story, read at your own risk =)

Well, last year we got a couple of new students at our school. He was one of them. At first we didn't really talk because we had different classes, but after our class trip, he we bonded and though he had a girlfriend at the time, he started noticing me more.

We started dating about four months ago, after he and his girlfriend had broken up for a while of course, and at first I gave him a really hard time because I needed to be sure that I wanted to be in a relationship with him, and to be honest, we didn't really have much in common. I made him wait about a month before I said yes to dating him. At the time I was so strong in my faith. I had been going strong, not caring about boys until he came along. He seemed to say a lot of the right things and he was just so much fun to talk to, not to mention the fact that he is one of those people who are so easy to be around.

Anyway, though we had many good times together as a couple, things weren't really how I thought them to be. Maybe someone put a spell on me or something because at the time I would not admit to myself how badly he treated me, using me only for sexual pleasure. He didn't really care about me as much as he claimed. I guess he was a really good liar. We got quite physical, I'm ashamed to say...I've asked for forgiveness and I know my sins have been forgiven, but somehow I wish I could take it all back.

You see, if he had been someone who deserved it, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about loving him. But he definitely was not worth me. I remember how he would tell me he loved me and say all these sweet nothings, and later I'd see him flirting with one of my friends in a classroom, he even made out with this same "friend" once. But instead of letting him go I stayed with him.

I guess now that I think about it my dad hasn't been that much of a "loving" father to me. He didn't mistreat me or anything, he's just not a lovey guy. I guess he's conservative. Not that I blame him for my mistakes and unhappiness, it's just, I wish he'd been around for me more. I loved the attention I got from this guy and at some point he actually did start to love me in return, and it grew and grew until, for sometime, in about the third month, things were going pretty great with us.

But then came the summer holidays. He started acting weird and he'd ask me all these questions all the time that made it seem like he really doubted my sincerity in loving him. Then on one day, he was walking me home and I began questioning him about it, and he broke up with me and told me he needed time to think some things through. Now I've read enough books and watched enough movies to have an idea of when I guy doesn't love you anymore. But with him, it was different, he even told me a couple of times that he loved me so much and that he just needed to sort things out on his own. so I didn't think much of it and thought we'd be back together within a few hours, or at most within a few days (we'd "broken up" before).

However the next day he told me something that shocked me. I had been anticipating his call all day so when I got home from my community service at the church, I practically couldn't even sit in one place. When he finally called he started saying what I'd most wanted to hear..that he loved me and that he wanted us to get back together. My heart just warmed up and I remember thinking how much I loved and cared about him, so before I said yes I had to know what had gotten him to dump me in the first place.

It took him some time to find the right words but finally he told me that it was basically because he thought that I didn't love him, that I didn't care about him, that I was tired of the relationship and that he felt I was too afraid to end it on my own, so he had to do it for me, because he loved me. To make matters worse he had kept these feelings inside for about three weeks.

I remember how angry I was. We'd ALWAYS talked about how were feeling about things. Him doing this made me feel uncertain about so many things. You see while he was carrying his doubt around with him I was perfectly content. I hated knowing that he'd been hurting because of me, and most of all I begun to become uncertain about HIS love. Did this mean that everything he'd been telling me for the past few weeks had been a lie?

I didn't want to talk to him after that because it infuriated me the way he always thought he could just play with my emotions(he had done milder stuff to me before). He apologised profusely though and told me over and over that it was because he loved me. Honestly, I forgave him the first time he said he was sorry, but that didn't take away the hurt and confusion I was feeling.

I immediately turned to my friends for help. A lot of them told me to forget about him. They said he was a bad influence on me (which he kind of was) and that he was being reckless with my heart and that I shouldn't stand for it.

Their constant drilling is the only reason I was able to continuously say no to his constant phone calls and text messages begging me to take him back. And when I say begging, I really do mean begging. I remember one day he got down on his knees in the middle of the street...

This may sound strange and you may be thinking it was all just puppy love. However, technically we are old enough to be married. I truly do believe it WAS real love. It was like were husband and wife. We were best friends, and we got really close emotionally AND physically. He was my whole world, and at some point, I was his.

The begging continued until one day, while I was out of the country visiting my cousins, I decided that it wasn't healthy for him to keep holding on to me like that. I knew I still loved him despite everything, so I told him plainly that for the sake of his heart, he had to shut me out. I guess those words did the trick because he never contacted me again after that.

For a while I was okay, content with my new life, rebuilding my relationship with God. But then after I stopped my community service and started spending more time at home, alone with my thoughts, the pain came back so intensely I don't even know how it's possible to suffer so much from invisible scars.

And now here I am, one day before school, and I still feel like he has a part of me. I don't know if we were meant to be together, and I remember I told him once when he'd called to beg, that if we were meant to be together, we'd be together no matter what.

So why can't I take my own advice? WHY can't I shut HIM out? He never treated me right in the first place. This summer I met a handful of guys who were interested in me who treated me with respect and admiration, yet I'm still here thinking about my ex, who didn't deserve anything I gave him. He wasn't even strong in his faith, and that has to be one of the biggest things I regret, going out with a non-believer. I compromised on many things.

I don't talk to many guys now. Or if I do, I keep very strict watch on myself in case I slip into the temptation of flirting. I'm determined to remain single until I find the right guy, the one God shows me is mine. Until then, I'm going to fight this relationship business to the death. The pain just isn't worth it.

I still don't know if I was right in not going back to my ex...it haunts me every day. He was my first kiss, first love, first everything, and he said the same about me (and I know it was true because of my intuition and he cried). What do you guys think?

Denise, 18