38 and cutting again.

by Denise
(kansas)

I am 38 years old, I have 3 kids, a great husband, and a pretty good life. So why do I cut? And why do I hate myself for doing it?

My torment started at an early age - my brother being 4 years older and always stronger molested me. When I was 9 years old my brother started. I told my mother she said all brothers do that to their sisters. He continued and I told a few more times. My mother said she would talk to him but he never stopped. I just gave up and quit telling. I was around 14 when he finally stopped. I think it was because at the time I had a boyfriend that I was getting really close to emotionally and told him of one thing by brother did to me. I don't know if the boyfriend did anything but my brother stopped and I was glad. But he still scared me and I stayed away from him. I finished high school, started college, and got married. About 4 years ago my brother was convicted of rape and molestation of his own daughter. He is still out on bail due to an appeal. My mother won't speak to me because I worked for a year with foster care to get my niece with me. I started cutting during the trial. I felt so lost, sad, upset, and I blamed myself for her horror. The things he said to her were the same things he said to me. I think if I had done something sooner he wouldn't have been able to do this. I wouldn't talk to anyone about my feelings. I was so numb inside that I cut to feel pain - the emotional pain became physical pain which I could fix. My husband knows and so does one friend. They just think if I don't talk about cutting it will go away. My husband says don't dwell on it, think about it and you won't do it. He is not an insensitive jerk, he just doesn't know what it's like. I don't know how to explain it to him. Why is it that people think you can cure by just being happy?