My teenage cutting story

by Catherine Elizabeth
(New York)


I'm Catherine & I'm currently fifteen years young. I started hurting myself when I was thirteen, after an out of control night of sneaking out of my house to go to a party in another town, drinking what I thought was just lemonade with a bit of vodka, but the person who made it for me, "jess" had drugged me, and raped me while I was partially conscious and able to semi realize what was happening but not enough to take over the situation.

After that I supposedly wanted to re-do the event of my loss of virginity, and became promiscuous and irresponsible by doing these self damaging things, cutting, risky sex, drugs, alcohol.

No one really realized what was going on with me, no one knew, everyone thought I was this happy girl that I put up to be. My father is an alcoholic and my mother criticizes me because of my disbelief in religion and my possible bisexuality.

My freshman year, fourteen years old I got pregnant with one of the guys I was seeing at the time, and borrowed $400 from my cousin to get an abortion at 4 months along. No one was aware of this except for myself and the doctors at the clinic, and I had told a few close friends. Also later in the year, I had overdosed on my fathers sleeping pills, only to the point of throwing up, but I confessed the next day in school of what I had done when a teacher found me puking on the floor in the bathroom sink. I had become extremely depressed, and still cutting.

I was in a local mental institution for only less than a week because my parents didn't want to pay for something they didn't think was necessary and the doctor made me promise I wouldn't hurt myself anymore or else they would have to go against my parents wishes and keep my there. I promised, but of course I didn't keep it.

I am currently seeing a therapist& am in group therapy with other girls who self injure, have been since the OD. It helped in the beginning, but in the past few months I have gotten worse with the cutting and promiscuity and substance abuse. My parents continue to turn their heads away from my sickness.

I take these psychologist used surveys online, and in doctors and counselors offices, and answer yes to almost every single symptom and sign to both Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. Yes, I may be fine, I may be like everyone else and I shouldn't diagnose myself, but everyone around me besides my parents and my therapist see that I am depressed and know something is wrong with me.

I've thought about just ending it all, trying harder this time, taking a few more pills, because I know, I KNOW that as long as my parents continue to turn their heads, and Patsy continues to think i'm just this slutty, cutter, and unless someone does something to help me, nothing with get better.

But I guess I still have this little bit of hope I wish I didn't have, just this hope that maybe sometime, someday, it will be better and someone will reach out and help me through this.

Comments for My teenage cutting story

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Thanks for sharing!
by: Shelley

Catherine,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It sounds like much of your pain began with the rape and sexual abuse that happened to you. I don't know what you are going through, but I do grieve the innocence that was taken from you that night, especially because I also experienced sexual abuse when I was about the same age...eighth grade.

You can read about it here:
Overcoming sexual abuse

My Broken Heart Restored

For me, I didn't recognize what happened to me as sexual abuse or even grieve what happened to me until I was an adult.

During that time, with God's empowerment, I began a healing process. It started with forgiveness, which was difficult and not something that came easy for me. One day while I was praying, I began to ask God where He was during that difficult time. (Note: if abuse has occurred, it is recommended to begin visualizing the scene after the abuse has occurred so that you don?t re-live the abuse again).

The picture I got was of the guy on the bus taking a knife and stabbing my heart. It was as if my heart was made of glass and shattered into a million pieces the day the sexual abuse occurred. I saw Jesus standing there crying and then lovingly picking up every last piece of my heart.

He showed me the pieces and then said, "You aren't ready for them now, but I'll keep them safe for you." I then saw him put all the pieces of my heart into a safe and lock it with a key.

He said to me, "Shelley, you've looked to your husband and to many other things to heal your heart, but I'm the only one who has the key." Then, he looked at me and said, "Now, you're ready."

I then saw Jesus taking out my broken heart and holding all the pieces in his hands. It was miraculously restored and all the broken pieces came back together to form a complete heart. He placed my restored heart back in my chest, but it was still not fully functioning and alive. I then watched him give me "CPR compressions" to get the blood flowing back through my heart again. The blood represented the Holy Spirit which now flows in and through me through my restored heart.

I can't fully explain it with words, but from somewhere deep inside I finally felt "whole" again.

The next week in church we sang the song, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your strength, with all your mind" and I sensed God saying to me, "Shelley, now you can love me with all your heart!!" It wasn't an instant fix, but there was something that happened in my heart that day that started a healing process for me.

You can read more about healing of the brokenhearted here.

Most importantly I want you to know that you are not alone and that I prayed for you tonight.

Praying for you,
Shelley

Healing is possible
by: Shelley

Catherine,

Whatever you are going through, it’s important to know that Jesus has the power to heal you.

Healing is possible.

Here are some verses I wanted to share with you:

Matthew 4:23
“Jesus went throughout Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and sickness among the people.”

Luke 6:19
“and the people all tried to touch him, because power was coming from him and healing them all.”

Matthew 12:20
“A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.”

Luke 4:18-19
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord.”

Praying for you,
Shelley

There is hope
by: DeAnn

Catherine,

I do know what you are going through. I lived the lie that I had my life under control for a long time, but the truth was, I hated who I was and I couldn't sleep at night because of the choices I had made in my life.

I blamed myself for years because of what happened to me. I was sexually abused too when I was 12 years old and lost my virginity. I thought from that point forward it didn't matter who I was with or what I did with my body because I had already let a guy take it all from me. Those were all lies Satan was using to make me destroy my life even more. The bible says Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. He hates you and wants you life, but God is fighting for you. That is why you still have some hope.

Jesus has freed me from the self hatred I carried for a long time. God showed me I am loved and cared about and he wants nothing more than to set you free too. The Lord says come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest. You don't have to do anything to earn Gods love, you only have to except it.

Catherine I will continue to pray for you and believe that just as I have been set free, so can you.

Prayer
by: Shanes Marie Brandenburg

Ia m so sorry bout your problems.I will pray for you! I am 16 and have some problems but not like you! all I can do is pray for you! I will pray you find the faith and guts to stop it all and live the way God wants you to. With love your friend Shanese.

P.S. if u want to talk or have a problem, let me know.

I am a great listener and I can be a great friend if u need either!

Understand
by: NA

I didn't have the same experiences that pushed you too cutting and all the other things you shared with us, but I understand the depression. I have gone through time of depression and hid it from everyone. To this day only one person knows about my struggle.

Although I had good friends and everything I was going through tough times with my personal life. I had many thoughts of self injury and death. I didn't go as far as cutting but I did self injure in other ways. I don't even know how but somehow I got out of those ways. I think I just realized how stupid I felt after doing it because if other things make me hurt I shouldn't hurt myself too.

In the end the experiences I did have are what made me who I am. I have a completely new outlook on life. I WANT to live and do as much as I can while I'm alive. I never know when I could die.

Part of what made me depressed was that I was sick and constantly going to appointments and doing testing and doctors never finding out what was wrong with me. That was also one of the things that made me realize I needed to live for me and have as much fun and just stop thinking about what everyone else thought.

Don't give up. be a strong as you can and prove everyone wrong to prove yourself right.

You will get through this
by: Staci

Catherine,
I have not been through all of what you have been. I feel compelled to tell you how proud i am of you, it seems like your going through alot at such a young age and it shouldn't be that way, but it is and you are getting through this.
I was not raped, but i had a boyfriend who made me do things i didn't want to do. I stayed with him because i thought i'd never have another boyfriend, so i kept doing things and letting him do things to me that i wasn't ready for.
I can't relate with your parents, but i can tell you that his physical, emotional and sexual abuse happened when i was 16 and i am now 23. At that age i thought about cutting that blade harder, but then i realized that's not what life is about. As soon as you are 18, move. Get away from that life and move forward and you too will be proud of yourself for sticking it out.

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