All messed up, depression.
(Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, Malaysia)
Here's my story, I'm 15 this year. I am not like the other youth who doing activities with their friends such as hanging out, sleep over and so on. I want to but you know what? I don't even know who are my true friends. Everytime my friend comes and asks me :" Who is your best friend?" I would made up some lies and saying " oh, there's a girl named marianne from my church and she's my best friend, we're very close. she knows every single secret of mine" but the Marianne I made up does't exist in this world, all the words I said is a lie. Then people would think that I'm happy with my life with perfect family and besties around me but the truth is no!
I'm just another loner who stays at home doing my own stuff. I always keep my thoughts and feeling inside my heart, I can hardly ever tell anyone. When I see people who are full of confidence, my confidence starting to be lower and lower. I keep my eyes away from them. I feel lonely and empty very often, I even cry at night but I wouldn't' tell anyone.
My friends started to ignore me sometimes. My parents just don't believe in me. Sometime, I just hate myself. Yes, I know I have to love myself but I can't. I just don't like the way I am sometimes. I know this is me but I feel that me, myself is awful sometimes.
I want to search for my true friend but............ :( I want to be what a fifteener do. I dont want to be alone. I notice that I don't smile that often like I only smile once a day :( Is all the problem come from me? Answer me, I seriously in need of help.