War Between The Blade and I.

by Jodi
(Newport News, Virginia)

Hi I am Jodi. I am 14 years old. I have been a "cutter" since the 5th grade and I am now in 9th. I haven't really stopped the thought of cutting this year, but I have prevented the bleeding.
When I was in 5th grade, I began to be bullied and I would believe it because it would be repetitive. I would come home and cry because I didn't know what I had done wrong to be treated so inhumanely. A couple month into school, I learned to hide my every emotion. I would put on the smiling mask I kept in my pocket. I would wear long sleeves all the time due to the fact I was cutting. No one knew and I hoped no one would find out.

By the time I reached 6th grade, I had reached over 15 cuts. I could control it, I knew I could because I would pray to God every night and I felt him tell me I was going to be okay. That it would all go away. Two of my closest friends found out and tried to help, but I continuously pushed them away telling them I was fine and didn't need their help. My grades dropped rapidly due to my depression. I wasn't submitting my work nor completing it, I was failing tests and threatening kids. I, honestly, did not care. I just wanted to run away from it all. One of my teachers found out about my depression and she let me cry on her shoulder. I loved her so much and to watch us grow apart afterwards hurt so much.

7th grade began with horrible news. My worst bully was in my homeroom class. I figured she wouldn't say anything to me. I prayed I would stay out of her sight and I did because she got transferred to another room, but that didn't stop her from calling me names. I didn't know how to handle it so I just said it back. I continuously harrassed myself because of it. I didn't understand the whole concept of her "talking trash". There was a guy I knew, I ended up falling head over heals for him and when he found out every word was a sword slicing me into pieces. He told my best friend he would never like me because I was worthless in his eyes. I was a disaster and that I was just nothing. I was ruined. Multiple times had I tried to commit suicide that year, but my friend prayed for me to live and I did everytime.

8th grade came and that was my worst middle school year. I was still head over heals for the guy from 7th grade and I wrote about him.. bad thing. I lost the paper. He found it with his name in it and my name on it returned it to me and we never talked again. I began to like another guy and he liked me, too. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. It all ended after 3months because my friend pinned me and kissed me. She knew it I would tell my him and he completely freaked. He accused me of cheating and spread rumors about me being a lesbian. He said we did very filthy things and only one of my closest friend knew the whole story. It was absolutely terrible. I couldn't hold it in anymore. My friends found out when I had gone into the bathroom to soak a paper towel to clean the wounds. A girl saw and ran to tell them. They weren't concerned. They just asked why and tried to stop me for only 2 days. Then I tried to commit suicide and to them the world seemed to blow up. Then I left to school and said goodbye to everyone. They were confused and asked what I was talking about. I said oh I might die due to me trying to OD. Then I got taken to the nurse and whole lot of drama happened. I prayed it would all stop and it didn't. The pain just continued to take over my body until I fell into a panick attack. After that I confessed to my mom and showed her all the scars and told her bout my suicide attempts. She immediatly seeked help for me. Now I have it and I have a boyfriend who promised on his life that we would remain friends with no rumors or name calling if we broke up. Best part is, I can take off the mask and reveal the smile I am constantly wearing now.

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