There was no other way, but with God, maybe I can go on.

by Jodie
(England)

I had a proper rubbish childhood. Like my dad used to batter me, my mum, and my sisters all the time. I could never do anything right. From being about 6 I remember crying every night and praying that I would die soon. But I never did. I don't know why I did it, my family wasn't a religious one but I always felt the presence of God.

I was bullied right through primary school and I never had anybody to talk to. Every time I tried to tell someone how I felt, they just laughed at me. So I stopped telling people. Then when I was 11, I made this like friction burn on my hand and for that one small moment, it felt like I was alive. And it was worth it. After that, I did it loads. I hung around with my cousin at the time and one day her friend had all these cuts up her arm and she said she'd done them with a pencil sharpener blade. That was the first time I cut myself. It worked better than the friction burns and it was quicker and easier. It felt as though I was in control of at least one thing in my life. But in reality, I wasn't.

In time, I came to confide in this one friend, Chloe, because I knew she'd been doing it too. I trusted her. I started smoking and drinking - anything that would make me feel that bit alive. I tried to stop cutting but my life was, and is, just too messed up. A friend of mine killed himself and it all got too much so I started cutting again. I ended up doing it like 3 times a day. I hid razor blades in the back of my phone for them times when I started to space out. One night I was just feeling so crap. I ended up cutting myself loads and then taking loads of paracetamol with bacardi. I don't know how I survived. But I did.

Chloe decided I was getting too bad and decided to tell Charlotte. Charlotte went mental and then told everyone else. I didn't want them to know. I didn't want them to so obviously pretend that everything was ok. And they did. They tiptoed around me all the time and that put a proper strain on me telling anyone at all. So, I stopped talking about it and just felt like crap all the time. And then Lauren (a close friend of mine) started self harming. I tried to help her, really I did. But I failed, just like I thought I did at everything else. In time, me and Chloe stopped talking because of lots of messed up rubbish and then she moved to Wales. She's the only person who used to know me inside out. But things have changed, she's got better and I can't talk to her about things anymore.

Another friend committed suicide and a few more were killed. It was like people who didn't want to die had to but I did want to and when I tried to I just failed. I've tried loads to stop cutting and to change my life around. But it just helps so much and it brings me to life. I used to try and talk to God at my most desperate times, but he wasn't there.

And then earlier this year, I ended up sleeping with this guy even though I didn't want to (I really didn't want to) and he hasn't even spoken a word to me since (and he's in my tutor so I see him everyday). And that just makes me feel like crap. It's like I try and trust people but every single person I've trusted have just betrayed me and that hurts more and more each time. So I cut even more. It's like an addiction.

I space out all the time these days which is why I find it hard to concentrate on what people are saying to me. So I have to cut to come back to life. People are always making jokes about my life and I don't need it. I just bottle things up because nobody understands and it's like why should they care about me? When I became a christian, things in my life changed loads and it seems to be the hardest it's ever been. I seem to have something inside me stopping me from cutting as often, but these past couple of weeks it's just gotten too much. I can't cope with life. I have the urge to cut all the time and most of the time I just give in because it seems to be the only tangible thing what I know will always be there in my lowest times. Right now, Lauren is self harming more than ever and has also started taking drugs. I need to be there for her, so my own struggles have to take a back seat.

I found God earlier this year through a teacher at my school. I was invited to his church and the youth all went on holiday for the weekend. I really felt God present and I repented. I knew that becoming a Christian would be a struggle, but I never knew how much so. I started to cut deeper and deeper recently but everytime I do it, I feel something telling me not to, I believe that thing is God. Right now, I'm trying to sort it out. It's funny, I've been contemplating suicide for so long now, but then at church this morning, George (our pastor) started talking about struggles in a Christian life with addictions such as self harm and I suddenly though to myself 'maybe I can go on'.

Comments for There was no other way, but with God, maybe I can go on.

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Give Light to My Eyes
by: S'ambrosia

Jodie,
I'm so thankful to hear that you met Jesus, and I hope you realize that even when you feel He's not listening to you, He's there. He's been faithful to keep you from succeeding in killing yourself, because He has something so much better in store for you. It shreds His heart to see you, His beloved daughter, in so much pain. You've only heard the faint whispers of His voice crying for you to stop when you want to cut yourself. His heart aches when you ache and He longs to deliver you from your pain.

Though it's great you want to help your friend, you can't help her until you come out of the pit yourself, dear. Imagine you and Lauren are stuck in a pit and trying desperately to get out. You put her on your shoulders, but you've been in the pit so long without proper food and water that you're not strong enough to hold her up for very long, so your poor legs buckle under the pressure. The only way either of you can get out of the pit is if someone, much stronger than yourselves, pulls you out.

You know, King David from the Bible (also called the man after God's heart) felt much like you do. We know him as an extravagant lover of God, but he had a sorrowful side too.

Psalm 13
How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,' and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me."

I know you've asked God these same questions in your heart. You feel like God has forgotten you and is leaving you to live a wretched existence, but this is not the case, Jodi! David could say at the end of this psalm that he trusted in God's unfailing love. He knew that though his circumstances caused him much grief at the moment, God's love for him would never fail and that He would save David simply because He loved Him.

pt. 2 :0)
by: S'ambrosia

Sometimes we have to endure tremendous amounts of pain in order to be able to truly taste how sweet His love is. Others would take it for granted, but people like David (who had been to the bottom and experienced some horrible things) can truly say, "I've seen sorrows and pain, but I've never known a love like this before! It not only covers my pain, but it fills me until I want nothing more!"

Remember the analogy I gave you about the pit? Jesus said, "I am the bread of life and the living water." If you eat and drink of Him, you will never hunger or thirst again! The decision you made to follow Jesus was only the beginning. Now comes the task of laying down everything you have (feelings of rejection, pain, anger) at His feet, trusting Him (like David did) to deliver you because He loves you, and taking on His nature instead of your own. Read his Word (which is like food to your soul) and spend time cultivating your relationship with Him. He loves you so much, and has so much He wants to share with you!

If you feel like you could identify with David, I'd recommend that you read Psalm 18, 25, 27 and 63. Don't just read them though, make them your prayers! Ask God to teach you like He taught David in his times of suffering.

I'd also recommend that you talk to the youth pastor at your church. Remember you can't do this alone, so make sure you're reaching out to the right people! You can also contact me if you'd like (sambrosiac@gmail.com) and I will continue to pray for your heart to be filled with His overwhelming love!

Also.. if you get the chance, I would recommend going to ihop.org to watch the live webstream of a student awakening that's going on in the U.S.

With God, You Can Go On
by: Anonymous

Hi Jodie - I absolutely agree with S'ambrosia's beautiful and wise words to you and just wanted yto say that I also will be standing for your victory.
It is a blessing to see your honesty and transparency -it takes guts Jodie, to see yourself and say, "I need help".
God's hand is on you precious, He has been keeping you all along because He loves you and has a plan for your life. It has to be incredible because the enemy is trying to stop it - don't let him.
Jodie, there are two other scriptures I really want you to look at too. Like S'ambrosia, we know the only way for the child of God's thinking to be renewed is through an accurate understanding of the written Word. We become pre when we are ignorant of the Truths found in scripture. It's the Truth we know that sets the captive - hurting soul free.
Jeremiah 1 - says that, [before I formed thee in the womb, I knew thee, ordained thee], Jodie that speaks of the foreknowledge of God. To back up that premise look at Psalm 139 where it explains that [before] you came out of your mother's womb, God wrote your days down in His book! What did He write about you Jodie? What did He ordain - call - create you to be? Why is the enemy trying so hard to keep you from discovering it?
Jodie - as suggested try to find a trusted advisor you can talk to who will give the much needed godly counsel. It's admirable that you want to help your friend but precious, you first got to get some help. Can you imagine someone without a map trying to give directions to somebody who's lost?
Jodie - you're going to make it. You are a child of God - but go on to maturity in your knowledge of Him. Grow in your knowledge of His love for you. That's powerful arsenal to have against the enemy. It's a Truth you can confidently lean on and stand upon. Behold dear Jodie, what manner of love that our God should call you "His".
You are fearfully and wonderfully made - you are chosen for an assignment - called to make impact and created for destiny.
Jodie, you got too many great and wonderful things to do - don't quit! Rise up by your faith in His Son! Trust Him and watch Him bring you through!
Be blessed Jodie - keep writing. Keep us posted!


Thanks
by: Jodie

Thank you :). I spoke to a teacher (who's also a youth pastor at my church) today and things are really looking on the up for me. I'm going to get out of this and then I'm going to get my friend out of it. I won't fail. Thanks for your support :D.

Sweetness
by: S'ambrosia

Awesome!!! I'll keep praying for you Jodie:0)

With God, You Can
by: Anonymous

Absolutely wonderful news Jodie!

You're on the right path - go on with God precious - hallelujah!!!

Continue to keep us posted cause we're going to keep on praying for you!

Awesome!
by: Prayer

That's great! I've never had any friends do cutting, nor myself, but I'm known for my generosity and concern for other people. I'm so glad you accepted Christ. It's making your life a whole lot different! It's life changing knowing him, trust me! I want to cry when I hear people telling heart breaking stories (like yours) because I can almost FEEL the pain.

You're in my prayers
Keep writing!

-Prayer

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