Pain to heal pain

by David C.
(San Diego)

My life has been rough and confusing. I started cutting and burning myself when I was 12. I'm 21 now. It's not an everyday thing or even a weekly activity, but when it happens to me its a fierce dark beauty that only few can understand, if any. There has been so much pain and grief in my life that I feel as if it just sucks all the life and happiness out of me. I look at everyone else and they seem so happy, and then I look at myself and I see emptiness and a hunger for love and self acceptance that will never be satisfied. You know you're not normal when you wake up and wish you never did. A lot of thoughts go through my head telling me I'm worthless and should just end my life. The only problem is that I have too much pride to kill myself, I'm not a quitter. I cut myself and that's where I find my love. It's the only real thing I have left, the only thing that's real to me IS pain. I go weeks, sometimes months without cutting myself and then my world can come crashing down right before my eyes just from a werid look or a simple remark that just penetrates my esteem and rips out my heart and soul. When I'm sad or hurting inside i know i can always count on that razor blade or knife to comfort me. the sharp pain and running blood makes me feel alright. sometimes i can cut myself and just cry and cry and cry, its a very mysterious and beautiful thing. I use physical pain to help me cope with my emotional pain, but it never fully heals me. It leaves me feeling like im possessed or on autopilot for the next few days. I lose track on life. I dont even know why im here on this site, maybe because i wanted to feel normal with everyone else.. all i know is that im scared. Im scared that ill go too far and accidentally kill myself one day. no one wants to be sad and confused all their life. This is the worst feeling ever, feeling of no hope. I've even tried to go to church and accept Jesus into my heart but he never comes to save me. I dont think anyone will. Im tired of crying, im tired of cutting, i just wish i could be normal like everyone else... i want to smile someday. God, why have u abandoned me? im the sheep that went astray,and why havent you sent your shepherd to find me?

Comments for Pain to heal pain

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Not abandoned!
by: Cassandra

David, God has NEVER abandoned you..He loves you SOOO MUCH!!i know what that feeling's like..i'm a recovering cutter, and still struggle at times..but what i've learned is that when i fully turn my days over to God to the best of my ability, things go so much better than when i try to do it all myself..but if you're really feeling like you don't want to live, and the only thing keeping you from suicide is your pride, you need to find help, b/c i used to have too much pride to start cutting myself,but then just said bye to pride, and started..anyway, what will you do if you decide to say bye to your pride? honestly, you really do need to find a Christian counselor in your area who can help you..i was in counseling last year, and helped me more than anything else

ur not alone
by: Natasha

Your pain is evident in your writing. You are not alone! Many of us have had the same thoughts & emptiness that you are experiencing. I know I did. I also know it's possible to come out the other end of that tunnel of darkness.
I am concerned for your safety. You need to get professional help immediantely! I would also suggest calling the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-784-2433. Don't give up- you will not feel this way forever! You can learn to love yourself & be happy, but it's not easy. A counselor can help you. It sounds as though you may be suffering from clinical depression- a psychiatrist should evaluate you.
Get help & hang in there!

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