My secrets

by Steph
(Houston, TX, USA)

I'm Steph. I'm 13. The first time I thought of suicide, I was 9. A year later, the thought came again. At 11, suicide was all I thought about. I went hiking on family vacations, tried to enjoy it, but always ended up looking over the edge, trying to calculate if the fall would kill me, or just injure me. As you can tell, I never jumped.

That was the year I met my best friend, who knew nothing of this. The only problem was, I saw her only at church, since she was homeschooled. Seventh grade rolled around, and I tried to get closer to God. I did for a while, but then the thoughts came back.

My mom has chronic pancreatitis. She's in the hospital every couple of months. Besides that, she works all the time. I hardly got to see her, as she was getting her master's degree as well. One day, my mom went into the hospital. I was upset, and began to cut myself.

Then the summer of 08. I was almost 13, and my best guy friend had become my boyfriend. (I know, early right?) I hid it from him. Saying it was a cat when he finally noticed. But little did I know that his dad had abused him.

One night, he hit me, right after a big fight with his dad. this was September. Of course, I broke up with him. But guilt made me take him back. My black eye wasn't easily hidden. When he hit me again, he told me it was because he loved me. That night, I cut myself. It felt so good, and all my pain went away. For the moment. But I had to keep doing it.

Finally, I broke up with him for good. He had kissed my friend. He had never kissed me. And I kept cutting. No one else mattered. But I was a great actress. No one suspected anything. Christmas eve...my sweater didn't cover my wrists. I tried so hard to hide them. But my parents saw. I tried to stop after that. I told them I did. I lasted a couple of days.

Then my great-grandma died. The day after Christmas. She had been my favorite family member. Now she was gone. I had no one to talk to. I continued to cut.

I knew it was wrong. I knew I needed to stop. Last week, i did the hardest thing I've ever done. I told my youth pastor's wife. But since then, she hasn't seemed to care. She said she'd call...my phone hasn't rang.

I have a new boyfriend now. He's better. He loves me for me. I just don't know if I love him.
Two days ago, new marks appeared. I'm trying to stop, but it feels like no one really cares. like they hear it, then they react. Then they forget.

I know I have to stop...but I just cant...i need help.

Comments for My secrets

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i care!!! you are not alone!!!
by: Emma

its ok there is a way though im not going to tell you to stop because that doesnt help ive been where you are it is a sad and lonely road!!!! it is a long and scary road but you are stronge you can get though this there are people who will listen and continue to listen you cant give up God loves you and hates seeing you herting so much!!! its so sad knowing that there are other people out there going though this pain the lord hates seeing people sufer this is the work of the devil he is out to get people and will doing anything to desroy them!!! you need to stay stronge and resist the devil i no its hard but you are loved you are specil and there are people who care i dont no you but i care!! no one deserves to sufer this way!! this is the devil he comes to kill and desroy but we are stronge and together we can defet him!!! turn the lord and he will protect you!!!

"God cares for you, so turn all your worries over to him." (1peter 5,7)

worse...yet better
by: Steph

HI,
thank you for commenting.

It honestly felt like no one would care. Well,as progress goes, I haven't really made any. My boyfriend broke up with me the day before valentines day. I cut, again.

But I hadn't cut for about two weeks, when my best friend, Nik, made me realise something.

See, Nik had started out just play hitting me, I mean, not very hard. But they gradually grew harder. Just the usual slap, or he'd hit me with whatever he was holdng. But it was only when I had forgotten homework, or he wanted something, and I wouldn't hand it over. It's still not that hard. But it made me want to be better, so he'd hug me, instead of hitting me. He hugged me when I did good things, or gave him something.

I know he just wants me to be a better person...and I kinda like him, and I think he likes me. And I'm also a little afraid of him. just a little scared of making him mad.
I stopped being friends with this one girl, who really was only making me feel worse, last week. When I went to throw up (I'm bulimic), I couldn't. And it made me feel horrible. I just got so upset about everything. I cut again. My parents found out.

It's been a week since I last cut and threw up. And I feel horrible. I've just been to distracted.

I'm going into some type of counseling soon.

Lately, I've been feeling like God doesn't care about me anymore. I mean, why should He? But I've also been pushing Him away. I just didn't want to stop cutting and throwing up.

I think I want to now. Maybe...

-steph

you know you're not alone.
by: stephanie

hey little one. my names stephanie and im 15. i know that trying to stop is hard and no one can force you but please do. i know if i had, i would have saved myself alot of scars. i can honestly say that i know how you feel. the pain, hurt,betrayal. i know but please try to stop. i dont know you personally but i really do care. if you ever want to talk to someone let us know. much love and be safe.
stephanie

A good distraction??
by: Staci

Steph,
I first off want to tell you that i know just how you feel. I am much older now (23), but used to do those same things. As i read your story it made me feel exactly how i used to feel when i was 16.
To this day, i every once in a while still cut, but my cuts aren't as deep, but deep enough to create a scar. I don't like that i do it and am ashamed of myself still.

Recently i have found a distraction.

This might sound wierd but i wanted to tell you what has helped me when i want to cut. Instead of taking the rage out on myself, i have decided to start writing stories, stories that i wish happened to me...my fantasies. I have parts in my stories where you can tell i'm frustrated, the times i feel i want to cut, but instead of doing that, i write it all out. I have my characters arguing, scared or hurt. These stories are just for me, but it gives me something else to do and think about.

I have now written two stories and have started on a third. Like i said, they are just for me, but it has helped. I'm not a great writer, but i like the way you write. It made me feel like i was right there with you.

Sorry, i know this is long...but lastly, i wanted to tell you that God is there. I still pray and i still get frustrated because i feel like my prayers aren't being answered. I still have my own struggles, but things are better than they used to be. He is there for you and He does answer your prayers, but maybe not in the way you want him to or think he'll do it.

Good luck and have fun with writing your own story. One just for you :)

you are not alone
by: leslie

here is a good verse say it in your head when you start to think about cutting "god heals the broken heart and cleans the souls wounds" listen to this song on you tube or tangle he is with you by mandisa"

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