memories

by cassandra
(maiden, north carolina)


ok, so i'm not exactly sure if this is where it belongs or not, but i'm not sure where else it should go and since i'm a recovering cutter, and this kinda involves my past, i thought i'd post here.
anyway, over the past 3-4weeks or so, some past memories have been trying to surface. i keep trying to push them away b/c i'm not ready to face them, and when they really come on strong,i really want to cut b/c my anxiety just gets so strong..some nights, i literally just can't sleep b/c of the memories..i'm not going to go into details of them b/c i just can't..but most are from elementary-middle school..i haven't cut in about 2 1/2 weeks now and i'm really trying to not give in anymore, but its so tough

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Refreshing
by: S'ambrosia Sarie Curtis

Cassandra,
I just want to say that I love you, girl. I've seen you commenting on so many girls' posts, giving great words of encouragement, and I know the Lord is pleased with you:) He even says in His Word that "he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." You've given so much to support other girls through this website, that I know your time of refreshing is coming soon. Just let the Lord show you how pleased He is with you, sweetie.

As for the memories.. a scripture that helps me when I struggle with thoughts/memories that tempt me to lust, hate, become angry, etc., I use scripture to cast them down like Jesus did to the devil out in the wildness. Wapow! Take that, Satan! lol. My mom had me memorize it at a very young age when I would have nightmares and I still use it to this day. Are you ready for it??

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ." -2 Corinthians 10:5

So here's the trick. As soon as the thought enters your mind, do like the scripture says and take that thought captive and make it be obedient to Christ. For me, if I start to remember something I did with a boy back in high school and it starts to stir my lust up, I immediately turn it off and set my mind on something pure and lovely (Phil. 4:8). The enemy wants to use these memories to drag you down, but don't let him! He knows that you are doing some damage to his territory every time you encourage someone on this site and in your sphere of influence, and he wants to get you to a point where you don't feel like you can anymore. You have SO much value, and the people at your school just can't see it, love. Don't mind them though, just believe in your heart that you are the apple of your Daddy's eye and keep making strides forward for His glory! He loves the humble of heart and He will lift you up above your peers and then they'll all see you as the beautiful daughter of the Most High that you are:)

Much love!

thanks..
by: cassandra

thanks..last night, i talked somewhat to my youth leader, kim..i didn't go into a lot of details for the simple reason that she can't know i'm still struggling with cutting..everyone here thinks i've been stopped for nearly 2yrs now..i think she suspects i've given in, but she doesn't know for a fact, and she can't know b/c she and her husband were the ones who officially talked to my parents 2yrs ago..but last night what i told her was that i hadn't cut in a while(its been 2 1/2weeks), and that memories from primarily elem. and middle school of bullying and teasing were coming back up even though i'd thought i'd let it all go..and what she told me what that i needed to just tell satan to leave me alone..and that he was bringing up these memories so that i would go back to cutting b/c thats what he wants..when i first started talking to kim almost 4yrs ago, that was the verse she gave me and i wrote it on an index card and its highlighted in my Bible and i even made some notes on it.

A Little More
by: S'ambrosia

Good deal. I'm glad to hear that you spoke to Kim about your struggle, Cassandra. I would encourage you to tell her the full truth though. We can't completely overcome that which we choose not to confess, and she can't get you all the help you need at this point in your life unless you tell her what's really going on. I'm so glad that you have someone there that you can trust, and from what I can tell, I don't think she'll condemn you or look down on you for struggling with it again. Don't let fear of what people will think keep you from confessing, because that's what the enemy wants too. You will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of your testimony:0)

she wont, my parents will
by: cassandra

i know she won't condemn me but i'm afraid my parents will..they've already threatened to not even let me go to school if i didn't stop..i have to be able to go to school so i can get out of here..kim and her husband, brent, were the ones who set up the meeting with my parents 2yrs ago without me knowing they were..i found out from a note my mom left my dad reminding him...i just can't risk it

Worth the Risk
by: S'ambrosia

Cassandra, I want you to do something for me...

Take a sheet of paper and draw a line down the center. On the left side, I want you to write the reasons why it would be good for you to tell Kim. On the right side, write reasons why it would be good to not tell. Then I think you should pray about it and see if God speaks to your heart about which risk is worth taking.

As I see it, you have the risk of getting in trouble by your parents and being taking out of school (which is setting that is causing some of the stress..from what I've gathered) or the risk of continuing the habit of cutting in secret (which you know is hard to stop on your own..from what I've seen you tell other girls).

Which risk is really worth it, Cassandra?

I know I asked you to do the paper thing but then gave my opinion anyway (lol), but I still want you to try it and see if anything comes to your mind/heart afterwards. Still praying for you!

thought about it
by: cassandra

i've definately taken some time to think about it(actually its about all i've been able to think about for the past couple days) and i think i know what i need to do. i'm going to talk to kim..it'll mean bringing up a bunch of stuff i really don't want to, but i need someone to help me face my memories, and i know i need to face them one of these days whether i want to or not, and i also know that if i attempt to face them by myself, i won't be able to resist the urge to give in..there's also some other stuff i need to tell her that happened when i was younger, and also the way i've struggled with my eating since about 13-14-ish, even though its never gotten fully out of control, it has gotten close, too close, and is once again getting really close.

memories
by: Natasha

It is great that you talk to kim, but I would also suggest seeing a professional counselor. It's important to not get stuck in the memories when you talk about them, a counselor can help guide you through them. When you share with kim, be sure to keep both feet flat on the floor to keep yourself grounded. I'm glad you found someone you can trust!

never did
by: cassandra

i never did talk to kim..first there were just too many people around. she's busy anyway, and is usually the one to pick up her's and her husband's(other youth pastor) from the kids class. and i was also too scared..too scared of what she'd say, of what she'd do. i was afraid she'd tell my parents for sure that i was still struggling.
as for seeing the counselor, i can't. i saw one when i was away at a christian university where it was free, therefore my parents never had to find out..my parents don't approve of anyone going to see a counselor. what they had told me when they first found out a few yrs ago was that if THEY thought i needed to see a counselor, then THEY'D find me one THEY liked..and even if i did like him/her, they'd want to know what was discussed and said and all that, b/c thats just how they are.

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