It gets better.

by Sydney
(USA)

I'm 13 years old. I started cutting roughly over a year ago. I was stressed with everything and needed some control in my life. I felt rejected, and given up on. Like no one was there to help me. I was always the one to help others. I think that's what it's like for most cutters. They spend too much time on concentrating on other people's problems that they don't realize their own. Well, cutting became an addicting behavior for me a little after Christmas of last year. I needed something for ME, no one else. And cutting seemed to be the only thing that worked. I hid it under long sleeves, and when people saw scars, I would say that they were cat scratches. Everyone believed me, because they thought I was a particularly happy person. That is what I portrayed. So I told my friend, Connor, who is two years older than me, that they were actually cuts that I made. He was there for me. He kept telling me that everything get's better. He said he knew what if felt like to be depressed. He went through some self-harm himself, when he was my age. I didn't want to believe him. It would get to the point where I would yell at him because I was so emotionally unstable. I couldn't handle all of it. He was always there. I am so thankful for that now. I eventually told my other friend, Zoe, who trusts me with everything. I couldn't believe I told her at first. And I was really disappointed. Connor and Zoe forced me to tell the school counselor. So, one day, Zoe and I went to her. She held my hand the entire time as I cried. I don't think I've ever cried so hard before. I was ashamed. The counselor told my mom, who talked to me about it when I got home. She cried. I felt like such a disappointment. I knew she hated it, and now every time I think about cutting myself, I think about what my mom, Connor, or Zoe will think. It helped, but not enough. It got to the point where I considered suicide. I told Connor that I wanted to die. And I actually had conversations with him on the phone while I was attempting suicide. I felt like it'd be such an easy escape. I haven't completely gotten over the thoughts of suicide, yet. But Connor still helps me. I am so thankful. Everyone tells me it gets better, and I'm starting to believe it. I'm getting recommended for therapy from my doctor next month. Things will get better. Please, if you know anyone that cuts or thinks about suicide, confront them about it. Make them get help. This is really hard to go through. I know I'm not the only person that feels this way. But it gets better. I promise.

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